the self portrait...

I'm always shooting photos because I find it to be one of those things that keeps me in the moment. I'm very comfortable being behind the lens, but completely critical in front of it. A few years ago, I took a photography class, where we were forced to take self portraits and display them for our classmates. I honestly must have taken 80 before I found one that I felt OK about submitting to our class. I hated my profile, felt like certain angles made me looked bug eyed, you name it, I found something to criticize.
I looked chubby, tired, more wrinkled - any little criticism had me constantly hitting the delete button.
So now, every once in awhile, I snap a self portrait, not to seek attention, but to force myself to be kinder. Accept that this is how I look, this is who I am at this moment in time. Today I snapped this photo with my iphone after visiting my mom. I'm smiling, but I can see the sadness in my eyes.
And that's ok. We have to learn to love every side of ourselves, and be our own best supporters.
I read this quote yesterday by Mindy Kaling, and it really hit home:
"My relationship with my mom is really the single most profound relationship that I’ve ever had in my life," Mindy tells me...But her voice breaks when she starts talking about how she sat down with a pen and paper and asked her mother to give her all the advice she could possibly give her before she died, and Kaling realized she’d never be able to ask her mother for advice again. “I said to her, ‘Mom, I’m going to be so lonely without you.’” She’s crying now but keeps going. “And she just said, ‘You have to be your own best friend. If you always remember that, you will always have someone there with you.’”
xoxo

the women in my tribe.....

More than ever, I've noticed how after spending time with friends, I've walked away feeling so inspired by the courageous way they live their lives. Through their actions, and conversations we share I always leave feeling ready to tackle the world.
When Janet lost her son, at 10 days old, I stayed by her side in the hospital, bringing her food and holding her hand. It wasn't until I had a daughter of my own, did I truly realize the gravity of what she experienced or the sheer magnitude of her resilience. I always knew she was strong, but now when I reflect upon how she handled that life altering situation, I realize that she just may be the strongest person I know.
When my friend Tam lost her father to cancer, she quickly learned the value of time and how limited ours is on this planet. She sold her home and traded in a highly successful management position for a part time position and turned her focus to charity - selling her homemade cards and amazing baking, with all of the proceeds going to charities she holds close to her heart, including the S.P.C.A and the hospice that lovingly cared for her father. I've never been so proud of her. For more of her amazing work, look here.
My friend Danielle was fed up with the rat race in the Lower Mainland. Danielle and her hubby quit their jobs and packed up their family, driving across Canada until they found a place they wanted to call home. You can read about her adventurous life in Nova Scotia here.
My friend Tricia is one of those people who inspire you to be a better person because she is the most thoughtful person I have ever come across. For example, my daughter was sick, she left us a new puzzle wrapped beautifully on our doorstep. When it was my anniversary, I came home from work to find an amazing bottle of Prosecco on my doorstep. She slips me beautiful cards all the time. Whenever we spend any time together, I always say to my husband that her kindness is beyond measure and she always makes me want to do better.
My friend Forbes lives true to who she is in a world that I'm ashamed to say does not make that road easy. It should be easy because love is love - that should be the end of the story....but for some reason, there are still people who are ignorant and prejudiced, who haven't fully evolved yet. I am always proud of her and hope one day her daughter realizes that she has these amazing moms blazing a trail for future generations to be brave too.
My friend Kim listened to her heart and her gutt and walked away from the familiar into the unknown, which is never an easy choice for anyone. As I saw her setting up her new home, starting over, I knew what she had endured to get to that place, and that it wasn't an easy journey, but I could see that she was finally exhaling and at peace. She persevered.
My friend Leah became a mom before she was ready to, providing a loving and stable home to a little girl desperately in need of one. She was brave and strong at just the right moment and her impact will have a lasting impression, I have no doubt of this.
I have so many stories like these from women I know and love dearly. I don't want any of my friends to feel excluded who I didn't write about because they really are so inspiring to me - whether it's my friend Caroline who is always the first person to show up in a time of crises and is continuously making food for someone who is sick or in need, or my friend Kerry who chose love, even at the risk of losing friends, because love is always the right road.  There are so many stories of heros in the news, but I often find them right across the table from me while we're sharing a cup of coffee.

chop chop

today I'm grateful for finally getting a haircut after three months - and having the courage to lob it off.

what I know for sure (so far)

I have hit 40. That's right, I hit it. You don't smoothly slide into 40. You kick the door in and say, "I'm here Mother#*($(s!"
I was thinking about how Oprah used to always ask her guests, "what do you know for sure?" so I thought I would pass on a few things I've learned thus far in life:

When you know better, you do better.
 One of my first jobs in the workforce was a receptionist. When it was slow, I would sit at my desk and read magazines. "Sorry, I'll be right with you, I'm just finishing this in depth article on why Brad Pitt is this year's Sexiest Man Alive." Older, (wiser?) me cringes at this unprofessional behaviour. Now if work is ever slow, I research information about my industry. No facebook. No people.com.
The same can be said about relationships. When you determine what works for your life and what doesn't, you adjust accordingly.

Surround yourself with funny people.
I'm really lucky to have an amazing crew of funny people as friends. We were travelling as a group once and someone said, "I've never heard a group laugh so much, are you guys drunk?" It was 10 am. Just to clarify, we weren't (yet).  But I took that as a huge compliment. Life can be tough, you need a sense of humour for resilience. If you can make me laugh, I will undoubtedly have a crush on you and value your company. But not everyone's humour is the same. If you find shows like Arrested Development, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Seinfeld, Modern Family, Extras, Parks and Recreation funny, chances are we'll get along. If you think shows like Home Improvement or Two and a Half Men are hilarious, then we might not see eye to eye. And that's ok.

Everyone needs a purpose
Find a job you love. Volunteer. Raise a family. Write a book. Compete in Triathalons. Whatever it is that makes you tick, dive in and embrace it whole heartedly. Don't compromise on your passion and don't apologize for it. I thoroughly enjoy writing and snapping photos, which has led to this little site. Each day over 100 people check it out. To some of you that seem like a small grouping, and to others it might sound shockingly large given my content, but I find it so touching that people take a moment out of their busy lives to peek into this hobby of mine. Do what you love. You're only here once (supposedly) - so make the most of your time. The best advice I ever got was to think if you only had a year left to live, what would you most regret if you didn't do.....and follow that. For me the answer was always, I'd regret if I didn't have children, whether they were my own or adopted, because I deeply believed that I was meant to care for kids. Don't compromise on your dream.

You are what you eat/how much you move
There are no clever diets/cleanses/magic pills. Just eat healthy, balanced meals and move your body.
It's not rocket science and yet people make a fortune promising the world to those looking for a quick and easy fix.
Eat foods in season as much as possible. Avoid processed foods. Vary your workouts. Drink lots of water. Repeat.
By no means do I say this because I am in peak physical condition. I just say this because I know the answer is simply discipline. Don't waste your money on diets or fad books. If there was a magic solution, don't you think Oprah would have bought it by now? (No offence Oprah).

Don't worry about something until you really have to
How many times have you wasted energy worrying about how something was going to go, and it never transpired?
I remember when the doctors told me my baby's head was measuring small during ultrasounds and that they were going to monitor it, I put myself in a tizzy with worry based on all of the awful advice readily available on the internet.
I'll bet 99% of worrying is wasted energy.

Actions speak louder than words
People show you the most about their character through their actions. People can say the most amazing things, but if there are no efforts, words become hollow. What's the last nice gesture you did for someone? When my hubby and I were first dating, my dad had to go into the hospital for heart surgery. Craig visited him on his own, even though he didn't know him very well.
That is character.
Oprah used to always say that people show you who they are. I really know this to be true.
Be wary of selfish people, they will drain you.

Don't underestimate the value of facetime with friends and family
In a society that is supposed to make the world smaller with instant messaging, texting, facebook, email, we're losing touch. A quick coffee catch up, a shared meal, a hike, a fun night out, go a lot further to speed up connectedness. Why do you think so many customers want to visit clients when they come to town? There's value in putting a face to the name and creating a relationship that simply isn't as strong if left to emails.
Relationships really are like plants. We have to feed them and nourish them or they will wilt and wither.
People who say relationships don't take any work, probably have a partner doing all the work/compromising.

No one really cares that much, so don't sweat it
The funny thing is, we're all very interested in our own lives, and sometimes we think others must be too. But honestly, people are so busy being interested in their own lives, that they really aren't focussed on you. "How am I going to show my face at work now that I'm divorced?" "People are going to think I'm fat, so I better not go to that party." "You know what I mean, those self defeating thoughts that you project onto the masses. But guess what, no one is noticing. And if there is buzz about some gossip, it lasts all of five minutes then people move onto the next thing. So just live your life. Kill the inner critic.
I say this like I'm super cool and all evolved. I know this one isn't easy sometimes, but it's worth reminding ourselves.

Make sure your home is your sanctuary
I love coming home from work, seeing my little love and big lug.
I feel 100% myself and feel very peaceful and happy in this space
If you are avoiding going home, walking on eggshells or living in a battleground, ask yourself why and fix it

Take pleasure in the simple things
A glass of wine with friends, a delicious latte and a new magazine, a sunset walk on the beach, a  dinner around a giant dining table with family or friends, playing with my little girl, an amazing movie/book/album, a hike through a gorgeous park - I adore all of these simple things. If you keep it simple, then it won't matter if you are rich or poor.

This woman has PMS

I never post self portraits in any attempt at vanity.
Trust me.
I am THE most critical person of myself in photos.
Being a shy person, I often don't feel seen or heard. That's why I value having this little space where I can freely write my opinion and try to connect with readers.
I just posted this to show that I am here, behind the words, behind the lens.

the big 4-OMG!

No matter how many creams I applied or how many times I tried to hide, 40 found me. I feel a little sentimental about 40 because I distinctly remember as a child celebrating my parent's 40th birthdays and they seemed so. old. And now, I'm them! E. Gad. It is so cliche but time really does fly by. I'm one of those people who still mistakenly thinks the 90s were 10 years ago. Forty is one of those benchmark ages where you can't help but take stock on your life. Are you where you thought you'd be at 40? Are there changes you'd like to make as you enter the next phase of life?
I have to say, I'm very happy with where I'm at going into my 40s. With the patter of little feet around me and my best friend at my side, 40 is kicking off in a great way. Looking back, I'd have a lot of advice for my younger self.  One of the key things would be not to worry so much. I spent far too many nights crying wondering if my dream of being a mom was ever going to happen.  Pregnancy didn't seem to be working out and the adoption process kept dragging along. Then one day I had a positive pregnancy stick and felt like I had won the lottery. I'll never forget that moment - it was absolute elation. I literally jumped up and down and sprinted down the street. Even when my little girl becomes a challenging teenager, I'll cling to that pregnancy stick as a reminder that I really, really wanted this. At 40, I also know that I'm extremely lucky to have such a great collection of friends who represent so many different areas of my life. As you get older, you realize how precious your spare time is and that you only want to share it with people who you truly connect with and admire. I'm definitely happy that I grew up in the 70s/80s and experienced life off the grid. Oh, there was a lot of time wasted that doesn't exist today, but I liked the fact that my friends and I would spend an entire Saturday going downtown just to buy a record. I loved the fact that we would slip each other handwritten notes between classes or ride our bikes to a meeting place to put a plan together. I know my daughter is going to think I'm ancient (which I am) because when I was in University I had to look things up in the library's reference books and type out term papers on word processors and use liquid paper if I made a mistake (or so I was told by people who made mistakes). I remember my dad saying that he always felt 25 and was surprised when he looked in the mirror to see an older man staring back (which was him, in case you didn't get the reference, it wasn't some creepy old man lurking in the mirror). It's true, I really don't feel any different at 40. I know I have to work harder to stay fit because as my metabolism goes south, I really don't want the boobs to follow. I am also more interested than ever in Spanx being health conscious because I want to be around as long as I can for my daughter (whether she likes it or not). I am also working harder than ever on my building my confidence because at 40, it's high time I started believing in myself and pursuing my dreams with gusto! Exclamation point! If I could teach my younger self a few things I have learned along the way, it would be:

*Moisturize like there is no tomorrow but for the love of god, don't get that perm.
*Exercise is the best remedy for any off day.
*You will learn more from your mistakes than anything else, so don't be afraid to make them.
*It is always better to be the smartest girl in the room than the prettiest one. (I was neither, but I'm just sayin'.)
*Surround yourself with people who make you laugh.
*If you value the simple things in life it won't matter how much you earn
*Love fully. A broken heart is always better than a what if.
*Stick to dancing because it makes you feel amazing - even if you look like this
*Shut off your inner critic. (this one is still a work in progress)
*Keep writing and snapping photos because they make you blissfully happy
*Appreciate the big moments and the mundane ones.
*Never shy away from a new experience (within the confines of the law; well, at least keep it on the low down if you aren't sure).
*Actions speak louder than words.
*Nobody has it all together. We're all universally dorky.
I figure you can't gingerly dip your toes into your 40s, you have to be the fat guy at the pool who just runs and does a cannonball. So, here we go! Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read this little site, I appreciate it! xo

giddy up

august 18th photo challenge prompt: inside
It is ironic that saturday's photo challenge was "inside" since I spent the entire day outside - here's a quick self portrait on our way out the door.
On a personal note, I'm so happy on the inside these days, I hope it shows on the outside.

evolving

Last weekend one of my friends asked me to tell her something she could improve on about herself. I didn't want to answer because the last thing I want to do was is insult them when I absolutely adore them. I would feel way more comfortable giving her a list of all her strengths. But, she persisted that I answer, so I did. She wants to grow and wants to know in what areas she could improve. Would you dare ask someone that? I thought it took tremendous guts. Some people have the philosophy, "this is who I am, like me or not" but I truly admire those who want to keep becoming their best selves and are willing to change. Don't get me wrong, I don't think people should strive to be perfect. How boring would that be? The big question is, which quirks should we embrace within ourselves and which ones should we overcome? I think the answer lies in how it is holding you back in your life or negatively impacting your relationships with others. Are your anxieties/phobias/issues limiting you? If you were told you only had one year to live, what would you regret if you didn't achieve/accomplish? Don't you find it inspiring when people push themselves to grow and try new things? I love surrounding myself with people who are positive by nature, enthusiastic to try new things and are excited about their life.
My biggest list topper has always been to work on my confidence. A lack of confidence can make you believe that every negative thought you have about yourself is a truth and can distort your sense of who you are. It makes you afraid to take chances, on account you might fail. I'm happy to report that being a mom has been a great help in improving my confidence. Each time Stella and I go out together and encounter a new situation, meet new people, or if she has a meltdown in public and I handle it with ease, it adds another building block to feeling more confident about myself. It makes me want to get out there and try more new adventures with her. Children pick up on their parent's anxieties/insecurities/etc. so for  my daughter's sake, I want to continue to grow to be the best possible role model for her. What's your "thing" that you'd most like to improve upon?

going to great lengths...

day 22 photo challenge prompt: the last thing you bought
This maxi dress for Summer was the last thing I bought. It goes down to my ankles and is super comfortable. It's the first full length dress I've bought but I've been a bit shy to wear it out yet because it is so long. Would you wear a maxi dress?

my 15 pound sidekick

How wonderful life is now you're in the world.

what you might not know about me....

I am currently taking Susannah Conway's delicious Blogging from the heart e-course. It's a wonderful mix of writing prompts, interviews, videos and a network of women who share the same passion for creativity. Here's a little peek into things you might not know about me for friends and classmates alike:

I got pregnant naturally last year with our daughter Stella, even though my doctor told me I only had a 5% chance

Coffee and q-tips are my biggest addictions

I built houses in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina struck

I value humour and kindness above all other traits

My passion for photography was born while travelling through Africa 5 years ago

I believe actions always speak louder than words

My husband is the funniest person i know

I am painfully shy but am not afraid of public speaking

I have done contemporary dance on stage in an auditorium

I am trying to let go of my expectations of others

My drink of choice is bourbon and coke

I haven't had beef for 15 years

I will always value brains over beauty

I was a reporter

I have belly danced at a greek restaurant

I have somehow collected the greatest circle of friends

I camped in the Masai Mara with a lion outside our tent

I was adopted

Status symbols and vanity don't impress me

Nature is my religion and protecting animals is my charity of choice

I crawled through a cave tunnel on my belly that was only one and a half feet tall

I have skinny dipped in a pool, hot tub and the ocean

I will always have crushes on people who make me laugh

random images from our day

Sometimes it's the simple things in life that make me really happy, like the images above. Today I took Stella to visit my grandma, who had to transition from a low care facility to a 24 hour care home. It's pretty awesome how one little baby can make a whole room of elderly people light up. It's funny, when the seniors looked at Stella, they said comments to me like, "way to go!!" or "great job!!" and "job well done!!" which is kind of funny, it's like they are saying, "great job having sex!" I have to admit, it's quite fun to be in a room where everyone is calling me "young lady". Chad Allan (singer/guitarist who started the Guess Who) was performing for the old folks today during their tea and cookies. I wonder who will be making the rounds when I am  in my twilight years, maybe I should save my Madonna t-shirt just in case.

31 weeks pregnant

Hi lovely friends. I felt a little nervous to post this photo because it feels a little bare but I wanted to document the changes that come with pregnancy. Putting on shoes is definitely an event now - often involving me teetering over in some kind of grandiose way. I seriously can't understand how men with big beer guts manage. We have approximately two months before we get to meet this little baby. I keep picturing that moment when they lay the baby on my chest and I get to finally see them - I seriously can't wait. We have no idea if it's a boy or girl - it's definitely the most frequent question that we are asked.  So far, our family and friends all speculate that it's a girl. I honestly have no guesses either way. The baby is still lying in a transverse position (horizontally across my belly) - which occurs in approx. 1 in 2500 babies and explains why my belly is carrying the baby so low. This transverse position allows the baby to jab their hands and feet into my ribcage, which I keep trying to explain to them isn't a set of monkey bars. I know there's not much to play with in there, but the rib jabs can really hurt. I'm spending a lot of time trying different yoga positions to turn the baby so that it is vertically head down - it's the only way I'll be able to deliver the baby naturally. I have another ultrasound appointment next week which will determine if it's changed position at all. The doctors also ordered the ultrasound to see how the baby is developing, as right now it is only measuring in the 10th percentile, which is really surprising to me given that my hubby is 6'5" and I'm 5'7". We're not exactly "petite" people.
If there's one piece of advice I can give to expectant moms, it is that too much information can be a bad thing. Ever since I heard my doctor say, "10th percentile," I've been researching information on the internet and have grown increasingly concerned with what I was discovering, to the point where I wasn't sleeping properly. I even called the on-duty doctor at the mat clinic to ask a few more questions because waiting to see my own doctor next week just felt too far off. They told me not to worry and that they weren't seeing anything in my file that was triggering any alarm bells. It was definitely the reassurance I needed. Each week seems to come with new discoveries and hurdles, but I am so thankful that I've had the chance to experience pregnancy, for years I thought pregnancy would never be a possibility and even with the ups and downs that come with it - it's really been the most incredible experience - profoundly connecting me to my physical self and this little being. I better go do some stretching, the baby is all up in my grill again! Have a great day!

Redheads need not apply

Tonight on the news, there was an interesting little story on how the world's largest sperm bank, Cyros International, has stopped accepting ginger-haired donors. For more information please read here. A lot of families don't want redheaded sperm donors because they'd rather their child looks like them, and since red hair is so rare, they simply aren't in demand. But why do we have to all look the same? Before getting pregnant, I was very close to adopting a boy from Korea and was so excited to celebrate the fact that our family would be a wonderful mix of cultures. I just thought the news article was pretty funny given that I always have tried to dye my auburn hair as red as I can. I always thought red hair was exotic. Maybe because I am a shy gal, I thought the bolder the red the better to help let others know that if you get to know me, I really do have an edge. Only 1-2% of the population are natural redheads. Why is there a negative connotation about being unique? Why are all redheads portrayed as hot heads or fiery? I always knew there are people who for whatever reason, think it's acceptable to pick on redheads: a clear example of this is kick a ginger day. Will redheads eventually be left at the sidelines, not allowed to dip their toes in the gene pool? Wouldn't you miss seeing beauties like this? 

or what about these comedically gifted men, two of my all-time favourite redheads:

Check out this clip of the two of them together: Conan & Louis

What do you think? Are you more partial to blondes/brunettes? Do you think it's time for me to pack up and be around my people in Ireland?

bring on spring

While doing laundry today, I realized that all the clothes I buy lately are pink. I think I'm trying to will Spring here, even if the weather hasn't been cooperating. I lied down in the laundry pile and snapped this photo. Good thing photos aren't scratch and sniff :)
I'm heading off tomorrow morning for a girl's getaway weekend, so I won't be able to publish any 365 photos until Monday. I can't thank you enough to all of you who check in and see how the 365 is going.
One of my jobs is to make some playlists for the weekend. What are you grooving to these days?
I welcome any music tips! Here's a few songs that I downloaded on itunes today.....
Foster the People Adele ok go. Have a wonderful weekend!

KAPOW!!!

KAPOW!!! Take that Monday!!!

the ghost in you...she don't fade

"Inside you the time moves and she don't fade. The ghost in you, she don't fade." 

Click here if you want to have a listen to The Ghost in You by the Psychedelic Furs, one of my favourite bands from the '80s. Their song inspired these photos today. Remember how passionate you were about music as a teenager? I remember when our bus trips were planned around record store locations. I need to dedicate more time to music again. Do you have some current favourites you can recommend?

hush hush, keep it down now....voices carry.....

I was attempting to try a ghostly portrait and the result reminded me of one of my favourite songs growing up, "Voices Carry", by 'Til Tuesday.  Click here for the video. I think the song still holds up after all of these years,  but the actor in the video is not so timeless.

building the dream

Our neighbours are building a massive new home. The site inspired me to dress up like a '50s housewife, building the traditional dream. 

green

This is my favourite scarf. My friend Kitty brought it back from her travels through Europe. It has the palette of autumn, my favourite season. There are very few things in my closet that I would never part with, and this is one of them.