walking in a winter wonderland

The endless fresh air. The jaw dropping beauty of snow capped trees. Tossing ourselves down the hillside on toboggans with friends. Feeling like a kid, with my kid. These are the best days, where I feel like my cup is just full to the brim.
Parenting feels circular to me. In carving out little adventures for our family, I get to experience things all over again, through our daughter's lit up face, through her questions and observations. I get to do little things for her that my mom did for me, and in that moment, feel connected to my mom and the memory of us. Riding down the hill on our sled, holding onto my little girl, I'm instantly reminded of my mom holding me, and us wiping out on our old wooden toboggan, and making snow angels side by side, laughing in the snow. Motherhood feels like this string that I'm holding, linking me from one generation to the next. And I'm holding on with all my might.
One of my absolute favourite instagram accounts is thegraygang - she is someone who I completely relate to in terms of her outlook on life, on how her heart speaks.
This quote on one of her recent photos, resonated so deeply.  I wanted to share it with you because it epitomizes exactly how I feel:

"The truth is I don't have to be great at everything or even a handful of things -- but I've gotta be great at mothering. Not for you but for me. For my own reasons. And this doesn't make me irrelevant or weak; this instead gives me the greatest joy there is. The other crap can fall by the curbside but my family must always come first. Not because I have built my identity around them -- but because in the process of giving myself to my children, I have found myself."

xoxo

three

Three years. It's hard to believe. I remember her birth like it was yesterday - every vivid detail. It wasn't an easy day, but it was my greatest day. She is The Gift of my life. A 5% chance is what they gave us to conceive naturally. And then along she came. You think you know all about love and then this child comes into your life and your heart introduces you to these new spaces that you hadn't known existed before. You've never cared about someone's physical safety and health more, to the point of ridiculous stress. You've never wanted to be a better person, period. You've never wanted to make anyone's days more special than you do with their days - being as creative or resourceful as possible so that each day feels full of wonder. And yet it all pales in comparison to what she gives back in return. She has been my ray of sunshine on this impossibly hard year. She brings us this incredible spark, this amazing sense of humour, this gentle and empathetic disposition that makes us drift off to sleep gushing about how awesome we think she is. I love looking at the world all over again through her eyes, because it's a much better place. She asks me at night what I'm going to dream about (her favourite thing to dream about is cupcakes).....She loves it when my mom comes out with us because she thinks that means that Nana is all better......She lists off all her friends before she goes to sleep and tells me how much she loves them......Whenever her papa gives her a kit kat, she takes one stick, gives one to him, and saves the other two in the fridge for Craig and I, and no one ever taught her to do that....If someone falls down, she runs over to help them up before I've even noticed....If something wonderful happens in her day, she lists off all the people she's excited to tell....she spontaneously tells me she loves me all the time and it lights me every time.
Whoever coined the phrase that "the days are long and the years are short" is a genius. (I'm sure a simple google would lead me to their name...). There are long days, where all you want to do is get a few errands done, and it takes all day, because you forgot to factor in the hours it can take to just get them out. of. the. effing. house. There can be days where apparently every gut instinct you have is wrong about how they want things done - where milk tastes better out of an orange cup than a blue cup, you mother effing idiotic parent..........and yes those days can make you collapse into bed, gazing at the stars above, dreaming about the spare time you once had in days of yore....but as challenging as it all can get, for three years, she been the best part of my days. xoxo

mother's day

I've been really emotional leading up to this Mother's Day weekend. You see, very recently, I sat in a doctor's office with my mom, and heard him tell her, " a few months to live." I can honestly tell you, I've never experienced a more painful moment in my life, watching her heart completely break right in front of me, then feeling my own shatter into a million pieces. The diagnosis is Mesothelioma, a very rare form of cancer due to asbestos exposure. It is extremely rare, listed on the national rare illness directory. It is rare for people who worked directly with asbestos in their lives to come down with Mesothelioma. So, you can only imagine our despair and confusion to hear my mom's diagnosis, when she has never worked with asbestos at all. It could have been from some random bit of asbestos dust that she unknowingly was exposed to that nestled on the exterior of her lungs and over time developed into cancer. We'll never know. And at this point, the why's don't matter.
I've learned to live in the moment, one breath at a time. They say we should always live in the moment, and I really understand that now. We have to live for the now because all we are guaranteed is this moment. I talk to her or visit her everyday and we say 'I love you' at every goodbye.
I'm truly hoping that the support system surrounding my mom will keep her here with us as long as possible. I have written many times about her team of angels because they are inspirational. For example, yesterday, five of her dearest friends showed up, cleaned her house from top to bottom, enjoyed a feast of a lunch and cups of tea together, and then left her with a full dinner. Her hairdresser popped by after dinner, cut my mom's hair at home, and gave her a bounty of new hair supplies at no cost. Can you believe these women? They are all helping in my crusade to surround her with love and positive energy, in the hopes that it, in turn, slows this cancer down. I keep telling her that we want her to be one of these people you always read about, who defies the odds.

Our paths crossed because she had lost a baby, and subsequently, almost her own life when her appendix ruptured during pregnancy. And my own birth mom, for reasons unknown, couldn't keep me.
And so, through adoption, the universe brought my family together. My mom's friends tell me that the day my mom brought me home, she just held me and stared into my eyes all day. Maybe that's how we formed this amazing bond.
I know for a fact that I have a wonderful mom because every important life moment I've had up until now, she's been there. Every school project, dance/piano recital, injury that needed healing (physical or emotional), every move, she's been my fixture of support. Every big life decision, simple cooking question, or child-related issue, she's been a quick phone call away. As a child I knew I had a great mom because my friends enjoyed coming to our house. My mom would always make my friends feel right at home and make sure they left well fed.
She really is the most amazing cook and kept our family meals nutritious whether we had money or not.
It wasn't until I was older that I learned of our tough times as a family financially, but as a child I had no idea because mom gave us such a sense of security by making us feel so safe and loved.
She was my biggest cheerleader, always telling me I was bright and beautiful, even when I couldn't see it myself. She always said, "you can be anything you want to in this world." Always great advice for our children.
I remember when I gave birth to my daughter, and went through a tough birth experience, my mom was right by my side because, she said, I'm still her baby.
When I became a mother, I had the most new found respect for my mom. As a child you completely take for granted all that your parents do for you. You just assume that because they are adults, that they know how to take care of everything. But when I had my daughter, and the balance of life was thrown for a loop, I was in complete awe of all that my mother accomplished. She raised two children, did all of the house work, made all of the meals, and often worked nights to make ends meet.
As a girl, I just took all of this in stride. But now, as a woman, I truly don't know how she did everything. And to top it off, she never complained. She did it all with such strength and grace. Everyone has always said she's the hardest working person they know and that she puts everyone first. Well, now everyone is putting her first. I sure wish the circumstances were different for my mom right now, but I wouldn't trade places with anyone for the relationship I've shared with her.

Please take a moment this weekend to celebrate the moms in your life. They are truly remarkable with their unique tales of sacrifice and love.

xoxo

great expectations

This weekend I learned a lot about how we have to let go of our expectations and simply go with the flow. For example, while I was at work yesterday, I told my hubby that the cookie monster was going to be at our local mall in the morning, if he's looking for something to do with our daughter. Our little one LOVES the cookie monster, so it seemed like a natural fit. He said five minutes into it, she took one look at his low-budget costume with one particularly droopy eye and gave cookie a "#&*" this face and walked away. Instead she turned her attention to the indoor slide, which held her interest for 45 minutes as cookie monster droned on in the background. 

When I finished work, we walked around Steveston, which held a special afternoon for children, with each shop giving out candy to trick or treaters. We dressed her up for her first trick or treating experience (photos to come) because we thought it would be a sunny, non terrifying introduction to Halloween. She walked with purpose down the sidewalk, showing very little interest in the people trying to hand her candy (even though I was secretly hoping she'd load up her bag for our sakes). People were literally standing on the sidewalk, trying to throw chocolates in her bag, and she pretty much waved them off. (Cue my heartbreak).  Instead she wanted to go to the massive playground she saw lingering in the background. (But honey, your bag only has two pieces of chocolate in it. Aren't you going to give it the old college try for mommy's sake?) So once again I let go of my mental tally of how I thought it should go and let her play (in costume) to her heart's content on the playground. 

Today after work, I decided to load her up (and our hound) in the truck and take them to my favourite park. Sometimes it can be a lot to juggle them both on my own, but it was such a sunny and gorgeous afternoon, I was determined for us to run around. It went remarkably smoothly until it was time to go. Fast forward to me walking back to the parking lot, only to see what looks like a gang meeting taking place next to my truck. Okay, I'm not 100% sure they were a gang, but when you get a group of guido looking characters, all driving white tricked out Escalades, each accessorized with a pitbull, in a rural setting, it sure doesn't look like a a local birdwatching group. I gave them my cool, "What up" kind of nod, without making direct eye contact, so they wouldn't have to shoot me. As my dog tried to jump into the back of my truck, she miscalculated and fell down, spectacularly knocking my daughter to the ground, who proceeded to cry. (Okay honey, let's speed this up before the rival gang shows up for a sunny autumn takedown.) An older couple walking by asked me if they could help. (Who me? Aren't I the epitome of calm and collected?). "Yes please!" I over eagerly responded, followed quickly with a,  "Thank you, thank you, thank you!!" They held my dog's leash while I consoled my daughter and loaded her up. I loved them in that moment. I seriously considered inviting them to Christmas dinner.  I also noted that the gang didn't offer me any assistance during my moments of chaos. Gangs these days hey?

I hope you had a great weekend without any expectations!! xo

getting there....gratitude day #10

Hello friends! A few weeks ago, I was in my element, shooting photos of dear friends with their sweet little babies, in a gorgeous, sunny, park setting. I just wanted to do a little something to serve as keepsakes for them and their daughters because they have extended so much kindness to Stella and I. One of my friends grabbed my camera, and offered to snap a few photos of me since I am always behind the lens. When I was editing all of their photos, I came across the ones that had been snapped of me, and the tears rolled down my cheeks.  I always feel radiantly happy with my little girl, beautiful on the inside, but when I saw the photos - I was saddened that my outward appearance didn't reflect how I felt- I looked bloated and tired. Becoming a mom, I had viewed my body as more utilitarian - (breastfeeding attempts, carrying my baby everywhere, pushing strollers, scarfing down quick meals between caring for others, sleepless nights) - my focus was so outward, that I had stopped taking stock of the toll it was taking on me. (It's kind of like that SNL parody ad for "Mom Jeans" - "I'm not a woman anymore, I'm a mom!")
When relaying my photo reaction to one of my friends recently, she said, "Don't be silly the camera adds 10 pounds!" My response: "Well then, there must have been two cameras on me."
Don't get me wrong - I've never put appearance high up on any parameter - give me smart/funny/interesting any day. But I was sad that my appearance no longer reflected how I felt - and I wanted to take charge of that.
So, I'm only two weeks in, but have made some big changes - ramping up my exercise regimens to almost daily (even half hour stints when she is napping) - to boost my energy levels and get the endorphins flowing. I save the sips of vino for special nights out and have embraced seafood and salads (as much as one can get amped over lettuce). I haven't hopped on a scale yet to see if anything has shifted, because it's too early to expect much and I don't want numbers to deflate my progress.
I posted the photo above, because for the first time in a year, I got dressed up for a night out and felt like I was seeing my happy self coming through again.
Today's top three on my gratitude list are:

• Being able to cook at a leisurely pace - with delicious results
• running to a great song list and feeling the rain on my face
• watching my hubby try to teach my little girl how to dance - so awesome/endearing, but his dance moves couldn't be whiter

adventures running errands....

I just thought I'd share a few tidbits from our morning, just to showcase how even the simplest of tasks can go sideways. If you are a parent of a toddler, you might nod in recognition as you read along, perhaps even enduring a few eye twitches as you re-live moments you had blocked out from your past. If you don't have children, you may take this moment to high five your partner on your chosen path of ease.
I am incredibly grateful to the grocery stores who have parental parking by the grocery store entrance.
I unloaded my  "precious cargo" from my car and transferred her into the seat of a grocery cart. So far, we've got this! I am pretty sure passerbys thought I was some sort of pro on the speed/ease of my transferral skills, they were just too shy to tell me.
As soon as we step foot into the store, she no longer wants to be in my sad excuse for wheels, for she has laid eyes upon the giant "is it a car or is it a grocery cart" heavy duty machinery parked by the front entrance. So, I transfer her in and leave my other cart in it's place, hoping someone else will return it for the shiny quarter - in those moments, I see it as my version of paying it forward.
I'm trying to maneuver this "so called cart" down the aisles, because lets face it, she is not really doing much in the way of helping with that sad excuse for a steering wheel. I think she is turning it with her pinky, mocking me with this decision. We were down the third aisle when she took it upon herself to slide off the seat and get wedged where her feet should rest. I have to add that the cart did not have a working seat belt. A feature, which I didn't think would be a problem, until this very moment, where it became a huge problem.
She was stuck.
Her body was partially wedged under the seat. I felt like I was trying to unwind a contortionist. Is that a foot? How did it get in that angle?
And, everytime I tried to gently pull her out, she'd lose her mind. I am proud to say that I kept calm in the midst of everything. Strangely calm. As if I was helping some poor mother out, who just wasn't here at the moment. I finally got her out, it was an achievement of great proportions, and I looked around down the aisle, half expecting some applause to break out.
My hand was sliced and bled spectacularly onto her hoodie (which, I had just laundered this very morning). I opened up a box of crackers in my cart to give her something to distract her. Is this shoplifting? I don't know. I'm paying for it, but it hasn't been paid for just yet. We got to the cashier and I asked for a kleenex to help with my (quite obviously) bleeding hand. I think his response was, "do you have one of our reward cards?"
I loaded the groceries into the car and decided to tire her out at the mall's indoor play area. So, back through the grocery store we go to get the to mall. She was even holding my hand and walking at a normal pace! This in itself was a huge victory. She usually runs, like really quickly, from any point A to point B. But before I could raise the roof, I looked down and noticed she only had on one shoe (one of the two shoes I had just gotten her yesterday). Back through the maze of aisles we go, until I spot it, sitting in the behemoth of a cart. A few customers said, "ah that's great love, you found her shoe!" I felt like hugging them for noticing that yes, I did, I found her shoe! I felt like holding the shoe high in the air and announcing over the store's PA System. "Attention shoppers, my daughter and I might be covered in blood, and she might only be wearing one shoe at the moment, but we survived another errand together!"

Pender Island

Here are some images from our little getaway to Pender Island this past weekend. I took the little one over to meet up with friends who are staying there for the week. It warmed my heart to see her so excited to run around all day with her friends. And when I say it warmed my heart, I mean emotionally, watching her squeal with laughter, and I mean it warmed my heart physically, as I ran after aforementioned delighted child all weekend.

But there are these little moments - when the kids would excitedly peek in our room in the morning to see if Stella was awake (and politely not shriek in horror when they saw my morning face), when they'd ask me if they could take turns holding her hands, when they would try their hardest to teach her how to dance gangnam style, watching them paint together, skip rocks in the ocean, just all the great moments of being a kid. 

It was also a big confidence boost to travel solo with her, navigating all of the ferry schedules and "teachable moments" myself. It definitely made me live in awe of single moms. The simplest things, like going to the bathroom on the ship with her in tow, or trying to carry a tray of food in the cafeteria with one hand while holding her with the other - I really appreciated all that my hubby and do as a team that I take for granted. (Especially how he often lets me sleep in Saturday mornings - holy did I ever miss that!).

I hope you had an amazing weekend. Having a child really does help you look at the world with awe and excitement - and Pender Island is the perfect place to feed your sense of wonder. 

xoxo

Finding balance

Okay, so the title of this post is misleading. I don't have the answers to finding balance.
Thank you for those of you who continued to read on after those opening remarks.
I have come to the conclusion that it simply can't all be done.
After many months of struggling to find that perfect balance, I have realized that it's okay that I have some back fat and that my lawn is more of an expansive weed than actual grass.
Exhale a big freaking sigh of relief ladies. You're off the hook. You can't do EVERYTHING - and while you are mulling over that statement, you can also ditch the guilt of it all.
I was in a good groove with my little girl when I was on my maternity leave. We had our routine down.
And yes, while many days blurred together with the sleeplessness and the "learning phases/teachable moments", I was confident in my role as mom. Everything else was secondary. All I was really expected to do was to get her needs met through the day - meals/diapers/naps/fresh air/play time/peeling my tired body off the floor.
It wasn't until I returned to work, that I really began to struggle with the balance of it all. I was very fortunate in that my work accommodated my request to return three days a week. (I hadn't found childcare that gave me peace of mind - and our moms offered to help us out with childcare if I worked part time). But being part time, I felt like I couldn't contribute as much as I would like to - I couldn't take on the duties with higher responsibility because they needed daily dedication that my new schedule didn't allow. It really got me down - I felt unnecessary to my team. I didn't want to quit (and can't afford to) but I wasn't ready to be away from her full time -so the dance continues.
During a typical day, I'm up at 5:30 and after work, with dinner(and I use the term dinner really loosely), playing, bathing her, reading books, and miracle of all miracles successfully getting her to sleep, it's 8:30 before I have time to tidy up, and often 9:30 before I'm sitting down for a tea or exercising. And I don't at all want this to sound whiny, (I know, too late!) - because I know people are rolling their eyes, probably a few times, and thinking, "so what you're describing is this thing called parenting".  Being a mom is the greatest gift of my life - it's time management that I'm struggling with. Every night I glance out with guilt at my desert/wasteland that used to be a flourishing garden, because it serves to remind me (and my neighbours) - that I can't juggle it all. But watering plants at night is really freaking low on my priority list right now.
I can't juggle it all, but I sure can jiggle it all! I keep trying to do this 30 day shred with Jillian Michaels - a great half hour workout that you're supposed to do for 30 days straight to see results. Well, I'll do it two days straight, then visit friends, then try it again - let's just say after so many false starts - it's turning into my year of shredding instead of the original 30 day timeframe. But I know I have to make exercise one of my top priorities because exercising keeps me mentally strong and gives me that boost of energy I need to keep up with her.
I keep trying to solve this time issue - I think, well, if we lived closer to work, we'd save ourselves a good 1.5 hours a day wasted commuting - but then we'd lose out on free daycare, with the most quality care providers I know, which means I'd have to go back to work full time and be away from her more. I know when she's a little older, this decision will get easier, but right now, while she's so little, I want to be as much a part of her days as I can.
I have been fortunate enough to squeeze in visits once or twice a week with friends because my circle of friends mean the world to me - but I even feel a tug of war in that regard - the gaps are a lot longer between visits, and I miss the little day to day funny details of their lives. Phone calls are replaced with text messages due to time constraints, and I try to pack more quality into our visits - like fun getaways, events, photo worthy bonding moments to make up for lost time.
Speaking of photo worthy moments, I definitely have longer gaps between updates on this blog - it isn't because I don't love snapping photos and sharing, it's because I'm trying to pack a little bit of me time in the last hour of my day.
People often ask me if I want to have a second child. And while I always pictured myself having two children - right now I don't know where I'd find the time - that's my honest response. That statement really scares me because I wanted to have another - but I feel so wiped at the end of my day that I can't imagine having what it takes to successfully care for a second child right now. I am constantly asking people I know with two children how they do it, and their typical response is, "you just do". They are my heros because I don't know how they "just do". Seriously, amazing.
So if you see me and notice I'm wearing something I wore two days ago, that my hair is completely askew and that it took me five days to return your call - please have patience and know that I'm busy trying to be an awesome mom who is a bit lost in the balance of it all.
xoxo

expectations vs. reality

When it comes to parenting, there are expectations, and then there is reality.

Our expectations - Let's take her to the Ladner May days, there is a petting zoo, rides, carnie food, games, face painting, it'll be so. much. fun!

Reality #1: At the petting zoo she will happily pet the animals and then lose her mind when we try to put her back in the stroller. She will act as if we are strapping her in a straight jacket, shrieking so much that she terrorizes the aforementioned adorable animals.

Reality #2: She will spot swings among the throngs of rides and not want to get off, making us realize that we probably could have just walked her to the playground at the end of our street.

Reality #3: Her favourite place to stand is along a chainlink fence, watching men's fast pitch baseball. We are literally on the other side of the gate from the beer garden. We know she does this as a huge joke on us. We stare longingly at the packed beer garden, watching people clink plastic cups and laugh at life. We tear up. 

Reality #4: I know, she loves jumping and climbing! Let's take her to the bouncy gymnastics zone! 

To paraphrase, she bounced like no one was watching. She bounced like there was no tomorrow.

She was in a state of absolute BLISS. Trying to take her out of this zone to go home? fuggetaboutit. She screamed like we were kidnapping her. Parents looked at us with their heads tilted sideways in sympathy, as if to say, better you than me, thanks for taking one for the team.

If I didn't tell you the backstory, you may have looked at the photos above and thought, aw, that's cute, what a fun day at the fair! What a great facebooky life they lead! But parents know, there's always more to the story. We'll never stop trying to make her life adventurous, but we're learning (quickly) that our expectations and her reality will often be on two different tracks. 

xoxo 

thoughts on motherhood

As a mother, we all have so many shared experiences and milestones, but our journeys are as unique as our children.

It was a long road to meet my little girl. After years of no success, we had come to believe that fertility just wasn't in the cards for us. We went through 2.5 years of the adoption process, filling out mounds of paperwork, being interviewed and studied by a case worker, reading up on our selected culture (Korea) - and as soon as we were second on the list to receive a baby - I got pregnant. I know my life would have been just as rich if I had a Korean baby in my arms right now, but I am very grateful that I got to experience pregnancy first hand. The site of that + sign on that little pregnancy test will still standout as one of the most miraculous moments of my life. I remember running down the street, as fast as I could to catch up with my husband (who was walking to work) and leaping into his arms with that little positive stick. I spent the next few days smiling wherever I went, quietly harbouring our secret, and feeling like I was walking on clouds.
If you want, you can read here for our birth story - it was bar-none, the most incredible moment of my life. I remember seeing them hoist her in the air and I felt like my heart was going to break with the love that rushed through it.

Motherhood isn't an easy road - it's all encompassing. I've never known so much vulnerability as I did when she first arrived on the scene. I constantly checked on her because I knew that if anything happened to her, I would never bounce back. When you're a new mom, there are so many days that blend together. Babies like routines and when you're in a steady pattern of feeding, sleeping and playing, the days can slip into weeks. But I always knew that I never longed to be anywhere more than by her side.

As soon as you have a child, you will look at your own parents differently. You will have so much gratitude for everything they did for you because you finally get just how much it takes to be a parent.
You will see your partner in a whole new light - and I am so thankful that mine has proven to be, just as I suspected, a hands-on, loving, playful and patient dad.
You will admire your friends who had children before you, because now you realize just how much they were juggling in their days.
The expression "the days are long but the years are short" will make total sense to you when you spend countless nights waking every few hours to feed them. You feel like you've had a full day and you notice it's only 10 am. But then suddenly, you're watching them blow out the candle on their first birthday cake, and you're tearing up, wondering where the time went.
You will have new-found respect for every woman who decides to be a stay-at-home mom because you know that it is much more demanding of you than going to work.
You will bond with women who are mothers because you understand exactly how they feel when they look at their children.
I hope one day Stella will look back at her life and think I was a great mom to her - it would be my life's biggest compliment.
Happy Mother's Day to all of you lovely mommas!! xoxo

when our children get sick...

In all of my 1.2 years as a parent, I've realized that there is nothing harder (thus far) than when your little love is sick and you don't know what to do to help them. She was feverish on Friday, very lethargic and missing her spark (although she still had her appetite, that's my gal, a natural born foodie!) But by Saturday afternoon, it seemed like she had turned a corner and was perking up. My parents even offered to watch her so we could have a real bonafide night out. Then yesterday, she was really fussy and didn't want to be picked up, and when she attempted to walk, she was falling over like Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars.  Of course, lacking in resilience, I completely fell to pieces at the sight of my little one's disoriented behaviour. We whisked her off to the doctor and they said the wait time would take 20-25 minutes. So 45 minutes later, we asked if we were next and they said, due to other emergencies, we'd have to wait another 1.5-2 hours. There's no way she could last that long, so, completely discouraged, we brought her back home to sleep, with me cursing our medical system the whole way home. I was writing letters!  (I shouted to the universe). I know, in the scheme of the world, Canada's medical care is pretty amazing, but at the time, I was not (insert expletive) impressed. She didn't settle until after midnight and was up at 4 screaming and crying. I recall rocking her, trying to calm her down, and I'm pretty sure Craig was rocking me simultaneously,  trying to calm me down. As soon as the medical clinic opened this morning, I took her in and was relieved to find out that the rash on her body was just from her fever and that an ear infection was the reason as to why she was wobbling around like a drunken sailor. Craig gently broke the news to me that, alas, we will not have the world's first baby who avoids a lifetime of sickness, and that I'm going to have to endure this again. We always want to take away the pain for those we love, and sometimes we just can't. Curse you life lessons! I know I'll give a big sigh of relief when I hear her stomping around the house again soon. Goodnight loves. xo

what a difference a year can make

Dec. 17th - One!

what this year has taught me

It's really hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that this maternity leave is drawing to a close. It has felt like the fastest year on record. But don't get me wrong, there are some long days in there. This past week I have read this amazing collection of articles about motherhood that inspired me to write my own.
I have never known such vulnerability since becoming a mother. She is my heart personified. Her arrival brought on a new level of anxiety: I had to have her crib next to our bed for the first six months, just to make sure I heard her breathe. I needed to know that she was okay. I didn't care if every coo she made woke me up, it was reassurance that she was doing well. She had been years in the making and now that she was here, I was her fierce protector.
I remember when I was little, I dislocated my wrist because I was jumping from our backyard picnic table to our monkey bars (as you do) and swung a little too high for my body's capabilities, only to come crashing down on my wrist. (sidenote, my brother's best friend thought it was the coolest thing he had ever witnessed and tried to break his own wrist the exact same way). My body went into shock and I turned white as a ghost (which only a very trained eye would ever detect). I didn't cry, but my mom sure did. As a kid, I remember thinking that it didn't make sense. Why on earth would she cry when I was the one who was hurt?
Now I get it. Every little milestone and achievement she makes, brings an overwhelming rush of joy and happiness to my heart. And when she falls and hurts herself, I feel it. When we sat in Children's hospital so the doctors could inspect the lump on her back, I smiled at her and kept her calm, and let the good-results-tears-of-relief flow when she was sleeping.
Even though she won't retain memories until she is three or four years old, I try to inject a little something special into our days, whether it's visiting friends, going on an outing, or taking her to an indoor play zone. Nothing makes me happier than seeing the joy spread across her face as she runs around with kids, plays with new toys, and looks up at me as if to say, "are you catching any of this?!?Isn't this amazing?" I want to show her the world and experience it all over again through her eyes.
Even when we do routine tasks together, like getting groceries, she sits in the cart and waves to people, which usually gets the senior citizens gathering (and in this town, there are a lot of them). It makes me so proud that they feel her happiness. A simple visit with her to my grandma's nursing home can make their day. Even though a lot of the seniors can no longer hear or string a sentence together, they smile and wave at her, and that makes my heart soar. My mom is the single most giving person I have ever encountered. Even though my grandma doesn't say much anymore and often doesn't know who any of us are, my mother goes to see her almost every day of the week, just to sit by her side and hold her hand. Motherhood isn't a job, it is a relationship. It demands the most from us and also gives us the most in return.
There are definitely days where I've been up since 5, where she has barely napped, I've barely had a chance to eat, I'm exhausted to zombie-like status and am so happy to see her call it a day at 8pm. My hubby and I have even high fived when the day is done. "She's finally asleep!" But then about a half hour later, we're looking at photos of her gushing about how awesome she is. You forget the hard parts pretty quickly.
I get teased a lot for having so many photos of her on my blog, but honestly, when your favourite hobby is photography, and your favourite subject is your child, it is easy to go a titch crazy with the ol' shutter finger. But I think the real reason I post so many photos of her is because she has single-handedly created the deepest sense of happiness within me and I want to share that feeling with you.
And now that little bundle of happiness is crying in her crib, so I better sign off. xo

pieces of the puzzle

Hi lovely friends. I hope you had a wonderful weekend! This past weekend I finally sent off all of my paperwork to search for my birth parents. I have attempted this in the past, only to come up empty handed. I'm not really expecting different results this go-round, because my birth parents have a no contact declaration on my file, which is typical of adoptions in the '70s. And I get it. It's a decision they made when they were young and more than likely they just wanted to move along with their lives and put it behind them. But recently I found out that if I can get an undertaking form notarized within 90 days of receiving my adoption search results, I can at least have access to my adoption records. At this point of my life, I'll take whatever little nugget of information I can get. So, all I might find out is my original name, or a small file of medical information, but at least it is something. Here is the bare bones information I have about my birth parents:

Mother: 20. French Scottish. Pretty. 5'4", 125 pounds. Brown hair, green eyes, medium complexion. Quiet. Thoughtful. Bright. Charming. Interested in tennis, swimming, skiing, skating, music and reading.

Father: 21. English Scottish. 6' medium build. Curly red hair, blue eyes, fair freckled complexion. Outgoing. Likeable. Extremely athletic - plays hockey, basketball, football. University student.

As soon as I had this little blue-eyed, curly red headed daughter of mine, the most common question I'm always asked is, "where does she get that bright red hair from?" Based on the information I have, it is easy for me to see that she has my birth father's colouring. And with that little match in physicality, I became instantly intrigued with my past. Are my birth parents still together? What was her birth experience like with me? Do I have any siblings out there? Does Stella have any little red headed cousins? What's my medical history? Have they ever tried to find me? Are they both still alive and healthy? Do they have families of their own? There's a lot of information that I'll probably never know, but having a child of my own has definitely piqued my interest in finding out whatever I can. 

Being adopted, there are certain trademark personality traits that I possess: a lack of identity, a deeply rooted sense of abandonment (I'm always afraid that family or friends are simply going to leave) and desperately wanting to feel like I belong somewhere. It is also challenging to visit doctors and have "adopted" as my answer about my family medical history. I am hoping through this search that I can obtain any little piece of information to help me build upon my sense of self. 

Ever since going through a pregnancy and birth, and all that it involves (the nausea, my body's physical changes, the baby's step-by-step development, the 9+ months of taking good care of myself through nutrition and exercise, the bonding experience of birth), I feel so much admiration for the woman who endured a whole pregnancy, gave birth and then selflessly gave me up. I can't even wrap my mind around how difficult it would be to go through all of that and then leave the hospital empty handed. It is such a brave, altruistic decision. She'd be 60 now. I'd love to tell her that I ended up with amazing parents and have a really happy home life of my own, in case she ever wondered if she did the right thing.

my sweet little niece

I can't believe my brother's baby girl is already three. I love the middle photo:  Her parents told her to "close her eyes" while they brought in her big surprise birthday gift (a rocking horse). I'm pretty sure she's peeking.  I love her so much. 

one of the hardest decisions for parents.....

Hi friends! I hope you are having a cozy weekend! The weather here has definitely cooled off. These kinds of days (ie. October through January) make me want to spend time snuggled under blankets by the fire. And by fire, I mean the fake flames from our electric fireplace.

Approximately once a week, local moms and I get together with our little ones so they can play and we can have some highly appreciated mom-to-mom conversation. Our children were all roughly born a month apart, and with everyone's maternity leaves drawing to a close, anxiety is definitely on the rise as moms are preparing to return to work. I've seen a lot of teary eyed moms discuss their heartbreak over the impending changes. Some moms have decided to walk away from successful careers, choosing to stay at home during these early years. They have downsized from houses to apartments as a temporary living solution to cut their budgets.  Some moms are choosing to return to work for financial or professional reasons. Some parents thrive on the balance of mixing a career and family. There is no right or wrong solution. There are definitely strong opinions on this topic, but I honestly think whatever works for your family is what you need to do. I've heard some women say that they are stay at home moms because they don't want strangers raising their children. While that is a nice sentiment, a lot of families can't afford to have one parent stay at home.  Also, some parents just aren't built to be at home full time. Parents are found in every demographic and what works for one, definitely might not work for another.

If you are returning to work, one of the most challenging decisions is childcare. Do you go with a professionally run group daycare? Do you choose a daycare run in a family home? Do you choose a daycare close to where you live or close to where you work? Do you hire a nanny to take care of your child in your home? Do you nanny-share? Do you have relatives that can help out? There are so many alternatives, it can be overwhelming.
Personally, I visited a lot of daycares run in family homes and a few group daycares. Each time I came home from interviewing a daycare, I cried. Don't get me wrong, I saw some amazing places run by very nurturing caregivers. Unfortunately, the one I liked the best would require me working full time just to afford to send her to it. It had yoga classes, art classes, state of the art classrooms, amazing playgrounds and an in house chef. Yes, you read that right, a chef. By the end of the tour I am pretty sure I signed myself up for it.

I think I found the process of looking for childcare so gut-wrenching because I wanted to be a mom for so long, and now that I finally am one, the thought of missing out on all the little nuances of her days overwhelmed me. It was easy to realize after looking at her photos from the past year, that this period of life goes by so incredibly quickly and my time with her is something I value more than anything. We reviewed our budget and realized that if we made a few simple sacrifices, we could swing things if I wanted to work part time. I am beyond thrilled that my employer was able to accommodate my request. And because it is only a few days a week, Stella's grandmas offered to take care of her while I work. For me, it is ideal being able to have a mix of worklife and quality time with her. I hope the transition goes smoothly (ie I hope my brain doesn't explode when I return to work). Did you find the adjustment tough? What was your ideal solution for your family? xo

Happy Friday!!

Hi friends! How are you? Do you have fun plans lined up for your weekend? I'm going stateside for a friend's reception while the hubby takes care of little miss. I can't wait to visit some friends I haven't seen in a long time. I'm also really excited for my husband and little girl to have their own time together. She just lights up around him and thinks he's pretty much the funniest man in town.
Do you have little ones who returned to school this week? If so, please give this article a read. I'm not a religious person, so even thought the article has a bit of a religious slant, the message it sends to kids is spot on. The focus is on being brave and standing up for kids who you see being teased or bullied for being different.
This is an excerpt from it:

"We do not care if you are the smartest or fastest or coolest or funniest. There will be lots of contests at school, and we don’t care if you win a single one of them. We don’t care if you get straight As. We don’t care if the girls think you’re cute or whether you’re picked first or last for kickball at recess. We don’t care if you are your teacher’s favorite or not. We don’t care if you have the best clothes or most Pokemon cards or coolest gadgets. We just don’t care.

We don’t send you to school to become the best at anything at all. We already love you as much as we possibly could. You do not have to earn our love or pride and you can’t lose it. That’s done.

We send you to school to practice being brave and kind.

Kind people are brave people. Brave is not a feeling that you should wait for. It is a decision. It is a decision that compassion is more important than fear, than fitting in, than following the crowd.

Trust me, baby, it is. It is more important.

Don’t try to be the best this year, honey.

Just be grateful and kind and brave. That’s all you ever need to be."

Were you ever bullied in school? I was bullied by two girls who I thought were my friends, named Tejinder and Muriel, in grade 3. They would stay after school and sabotage my projects, rip apart my art work, pull my plants out of the dirt that I was growing for science class, scribble in my notebooks, anything they could to try and make me cry. They would sneak up behind me and shove me face down on the ground (I still have a scar to remind me), call me names and get into fist fights with me(of which I held my own in). It wasn't their behaviour that upset me (well, it kind of sucked), but it was the fact that I kept waking up each morning hoping that they would act differently and be my friends again that saddens me the most. I didn't recognize that I deserved better. I was like a dog who wags her tail each time her owner comes home even though the owner is abusive. A wonderful set of girls took me in as their friend and it seemed to throw Tejinder and Muriel into a tailspin. They tried their hardest to lure me back. It seemed like their purpose, of having someone to  project all of their anger upon, was now leaving them lost. In hindsight, I am fearful of how Tejinder and Muriel's home lives must have been that bullying was part of their agenda. Teach your kids kindness. Teach them to be brave and stand up for those who need help. I was so thankful for my new circle of girls who treated me like a friend instead of a proverbial punching bag. Kids shouldn't go to school in fear or make one another feel inferior because they  aren't pretty enough, smart enough, athletic enough. Just be kids. Play. Laugh. Learn. Repeat. 

Whistler 2012

This was our first trip to Whistler with a baby in tow. It was an awesome getaway and yet completely different from our past trips. For example, this time round, we traded in ziplining for playground time, traded in late night pubs for late night in room drinks/movies, and swapped up downhill biking for hiking. We were able to catch a free Spirit of the West concert in Olympic Park, which was an unexpected surprise (they used to be huge in my university days). They put on a great show. It was such an amazing setting to hear them play with the gorgeous mountains serving as a beautiful backdrop. It really felt like a full circle moment to share a band I enjoyed when I was young with my little girl.

Travelling with a baby takes getting used to because you are challenged by planning your day around their schedule and trying to adapt them to a new environment. The hotel provided a crib, but it was this white cast iron number that looked like something out of a hospital. It was funny, she had a little plastic cup that she was running along the bars like a prisoner in a jail cell. Needless to say, she refused to sleep in it and wound up between us. We would trade off time with one another if we wanted to check out shops/workout and sometimes had to eat in shifts. Life becomes a bit of a balancing act. But it is important to us that we continue to travel.  This was our sixth getaway as a family and it gets noticeably smoother (although I still haven't found a way to streamline her luggage situation, sweet mother these babies don't travel light!). We shared one bag to her four (clothes/toys/food/diapers).  Taking her swimming and watching her giggle and splash about was definitely the highlight for me. As she evolves, so do we.