October 6, 2014
on a personal note....
At one point last week, my mom's best friend, wanted to chat with me in person about everything that's happening with my mom. We sat over a glass of wine, she held my hand, looked at me with teary eyes, and said, "Your mom and I have been the closest of friends since we were 15. I know how you feel, and I want you to know you aren't in this alone." It was in that moment, that I finally let the tears all fall. I needed to hear that someone completely understood what I was experiencing and that we were going to go through this together. She said we'll keep each other up to speed on mom's appointments, her pain levels and visits. I can't speak about my mom's friend Murley without crying because she is nothing short of an angel to me. She visits my mom almost daily.....brings her meals continuously, will swing by to pick up mom's laundry, she'll iron their clothes, dust their house, you name it, she just does it. She just keeps showing up. She doesn't ask, "what can I do?" She just does. She has been the single biggest inspiration to me in this regard. I used to ask what my parents needed, but now I just keep showing up with food. I just keep showing up with love and trying to make them laugh. I just keep showing up with their grandaughter, because I see how much it lifts their spirits. Whatever amount of time we have left isn't going unnoticed.
The biggest struggle I've had with her battle with Cancer, is the sense of helplessness. As many stars as I wished upon, as many dandelions I blew into the wind, as many angels I prayed too, as many green juices I made her, as many healthy meals I've prepared, I felt like this cancer keeps coming fast and furious and I can't slow it down. So, instead of trying to control things, I've realized, that all I can do is just keep showering her with love and support. I can't fix this. No matter how much, more than anything in this world, I'd like to. So I just have to make sure she's taken care of.
And now I am moving into a place of gratitude: gratitude that my mom and I have the relationship we do. I'm grateful ours is close, deep, supportive and most of all completely loving. I'm grateful that she is a woman who has truly lived with her years: I put together a slide show for her 50th wedding anniversary and it was extremely hard to edit down to a few songs because she has done so much living. This gives me tremendous comfort. She has accumulated an incredible family, a tremendous circle of friends, she has travelled a lot, and probably most importantly, has shown me through her continuous actions that she is, without a doubt, the most selfless woman I have ever witnessed. I can't tell you how proud I am that this amazing woman adopted me.
I have felt this groundswell of support from my friends, who keep showing up. Some of them have been dropping off food to my mom, some have been taking me out for hours of laughs - I can't begin to express how much that reprieve means to me.
This is all a day to day process, and as excruciating as it has been, there have been these rainbows along the way, where I get to see the best in people, and for that I feel so grateful.