resilience

I just wanted to show you, that life goes on. I remember when my mom was first diagnosed, I told one of my good friends that they may have to step in when my mom is gone, to peel me off the floor. I didn't think I'd have the capability to parent my child, I didn't think I'd be able to function in my day to day life. But I'm hear to tell you, the hardest part was definitely the process of cancer, I feel much stronger now than I ever would have ever anticipated. Maybe it was the fact that I was glued to my mom's side during this whole journey, or maybe it was the incredible support we received, or maybe it was watching my mom stare down life with so much strength and humility, but I am embracing my days. Once you face one of your worst fears, life gets a lot simpler. You realize how much stuff people complain about that isn't anything at all. You see with razor sharp focus what is important. You also  gain confidence knowing that you can do hard things. Believe me, I never, ever, would have expected myself to be this strong after everything, but you are a lot more resilient than you think. 

I finally mustered up the courage to go through all of mom's photos last night. As hard as it was to see her beautiful face, and feel all the teary-eyed pangs of missing her,  I was so thrilled to see someone who truly lived her life - so many wonderful vacations with friends, so many sweet moments with my dad, not to mention how absolutely remarkable she was as a mother and grandmother. She loved her life so thoroughly, and only wanted more of it. You can't ask for more than that. That's what I wish for everyone I love - to be so amped about their lives. My biggest goals now are to really enjoy my days and to keep the family bond strong, because mom really was the glue to it all. I think she'd be happy knowing how much my brother, dad and I check in with one another. Since her death I look for little signs of her everywhere. Sometimes a robin will just sit next to me for a long time in the garden, and I'll think of her. I'll see a perfect rose open up, and think of her. I'll feel the sun on my face and think of her. I'll laugh so hard with my daughter and husband, and think, this is how she felt with us. She's really a part of me now, and there is tremendous comfort in that. xoxo