on connecting.....

Sometimes people think I'm a little too open on this site, but I honestly don't know how else to be. I believe in putting it all out there, in hopes that maybe one person can relate and feel a sense of community.

As clear as day, I remember being four years old telling my little neighbourhood gang of friends that I found out I was adopted. One girl spoke up and said, "You know what that means don't you? It means your parents didn't want you." That one sentence, that single moment, immediately changed how I felt about my news and about myself. I instantly felt a deep sense of rejection. I felt like I didn't belong - anywhere. Now, as an adult, of course I know that little girl's statement is ludicrous - I know all the ins and outs of what a woman would go through to reach the complex decision of giving up a child for adoption. But I was a little girl, who didn't know how to process the information properly - I wasn't born into my family, I didn't have a birth story like my friends, I didn't look like my family, I felt like I was just kind of dropped into this place. 

Now, couple that sense of rejection with a naturally shy disposition - well, let me tell you, it ain't pretty: you have a girl who struggles to make connections. 

I can count the people who truly know me on two hands. And believe me, these people I worship. They are friends I've gathered throughout my life, who I bonded with and eventually felt safe enough to open up to and let my guard down a bit. I started to trust that they were sticking around. When I am included in a plan or group, it gives me such a deep sense of belonging, a feeling that has been foreign for a large part of my life. 

That's why becoming a mom was such a closely held dream of mine. I wanted to trust in the permanence of love. Marriages often thrive, but sometimes fail. Parenthood is a lifetime commitment and I knew that if I could become a mom, that I'd give my child my best because I would be giving them an unguarded heart. 

I feel like I do shine as a mom (I can say that now only because my child can't speak yet and give her two cents on things) - because I feel that I'm my most confident self with her. I'm 100% my silly self - I wish I felt that sense of permanence more in my life - where I trust people will stick around - so that I can show them my best. 

As I get older, my shyness has gotten a little better. Don't get me wrong, I've done somethings in my life that go against the grain of a shy disposition - travelled solo, made lots of speeches, skinny dipped at parties, ok, maybe some things that shouldn't be shared - but I still blush easily, struggle to start conversations and second guess what I'm saying all. the. time. On the flipside, I know that the more people I connect with, the richer my life feels, so I am learning to sit in the discomfort of shyness and push through it because the payoff is so great. I've amassed some spectacular friends recently, who have given me hope that maybe I'm believing more in myself and the universe is paying me back with these amazing connections. Of equal importance, is that I'm learning to let go of the people who don't make me feel valued because that's also an important sign of confidence. This entry is quite personal, but it's a little love note to my hubby and friends who have helped me feel like I belong, and to my little beautiful girl, whose fearlessness I learn from everyday. 

xoxo

what I know for sure (so far)

I have hit 40. That's right, I hit it. You don't smoothly slide into 40. You kick the door in and say, "I'm here Mother#*($(s!"
I was thinking about how Oprah used to always ask her guests, "what do you know for sure?" so I thought I would pass on a few things I've learned thus far in life:

When you know better, you do better.
 One of my first jobs in the workforce was a receptionist. When it was slow, I would sit at my desk and read magazines. "Sorry, I'll be right with you, I'm just finishing this in depth article on why Brad Pitt is this year's Sexiest Man Alive." Older, (wiser?) me cringes at this unprofessional behaviour. Now if work is ever slow, I research information about my industry. No facebook. No people.com.
The same can be said about relationships. When you determine what works for your life and what doesn't, you adjust accordingly.

Surround yourself with funny people.
I'm really lucky to have an amazing crew of funny people as friends. We were travelling as a group once and someone said, "I've never heard a group laugh so much, are you guys drunk?" It was 10 am. Just to clarify, we weren't (yet).  But I took that as a huge compliment. Life can be tough, you need a sense of humour for resilience. If you can make me laugh, I will undoubtedly have a crush on you and value your company. But not everyone's humour is the same. If you find shows like Arrested Development, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Seinfeld, Modern Family, Extras, Parks and Recreation funny, chances are we'll get along. If you think shows like Home Improvement or Two and a Half Men are hilarious, then we might not see eye to eye. And that's ok.

Everyone needs a purpose
Find a job you love. Volunteer. Raise a family. Write a book. Compete in Triathalons. Whatever it is that makes you tick, dive in and embrace it whole heartedly. Don't compromise on your passion and don't apologize for it. I thoroughly enjoy writing and snapping photos, which has led to this little site. Each day over 100 people check it out. To some of you that seem like a small grouping, and to others it might sound shockingly large given my content, but I find it so touching that people take a moment out of their busy lives to peek into this hobby of mine. Do what you love. You're only here once (supposedly) - so make the most of your time. The best advice I ever got was to think if you only had a year left to live, what would you most regret if you didn't do.....and follow that. For me the answer was always, I'd regret if I didn't have children, whether they were my own or adopted, because I deeply believed that I was meant to care for kids. Don't compromise on your dream.

You are what you eat/how much you move
There are no clever diets/cleanses/magic pills. Just eat healthy, balanced meals and move your body.
It's not rocket science and yet people make a fortune promising the world to those looking for a quick and easy fix.
Eat foods in season as much as possible. Avoid processed foods. Vary your workouts. Drink lots of water. Repeat.
By no means do I say this because I am in peak physical condition. I just say this because I know the answer is simply discipline. Don't waste your money on diets or fad books. If there was a magic solution, don't you think Oprah would have bought it by now? (No offence Oprah).

Don't worry about something until you really have to
How many times have you wasted energy worrying about how something was going to go, and it never transpired?
I remember when the doctors told me my baby's head was measuring small during ultrasounds and that they were going to monitor it, I put myself in a tizzy with worry based on all of the awful advice readily available on the internet.
I'll bet 99% of worrying is wasted energy.

Actions speak louder than words
People show you the most about their character through their actions. People can say the most amazing things, but if there are no efforts, words become hollow. What's the last nice gesture you did for someone? When my hubby and I were first dating, my dad had to go into the hospital for heart surgery. Craig visited him on his own, even though he didn't know him very well.
That is character.
Oprah used to always say that people show you who they are. I really know this to be true.
Be wary of selfish people, they will drain you.

Don't underestimate the value of facetime with friends and family
In a society that is supposed to make the world smaller with instant messaging, texting, facebook, email, we're losing touch. A quick coffee catch up, a shared meal, a hike, a fun night out, go a lot further to speed up connectedness. Why do you think so many customers want to visit clients when they come to town? There's value in putting a face to the name and creating a relationship that simply isn't as strong if left to emails.
Relationships really are like plants. We have to feed them and nourish them or they will wilt and wither.
People who say relationships don't take any work, probably have a partner doing all the work/compromising.

No one really cares that much, so don't sweat it
The funny thing is, we're all very interested in our own lives, and sometimes we think others must be too. But honestly, people are so busy being interested in their own lives, that they really aren't focussed on you. "How am I going to show my face at work now that I'm divorced?" "People are going to think I'm fat, so I better not go to that party." "You know what I mean, those self defeating thoughts that you project onto the masses. But guess what, no one is noticing. And if there is buzz about some gossip, it lasts all of five minutes then people move onto the next thing. So just live your life. Kill the inner critic.
I say this like I'm super cool and all evolved. I know this one isn't easy sometimes, but it's worth reminding ourselves.

Make sure your home is your sanctuary
I love coming home from work, seeing my little love and big lug.
I feel 100% myself and feel very peaceful and happy in this space
If you are avoiding going home, walking on eggshells or living in a battleground, ask yourself why and fix it

Take pleasure in the simple things
A glass of wine with friends, a delicious latte and a new magazine, a sunset walk on the beach, a  dinner around a giant dining table with family or friends, playing with my little girl, an amazing movie/book/album, a hike through a gorgeous park - I adore all of these simple things. If you keep it simple, then it won't matter if you are rich or poor.

writing and vulnerability

I apologize that I really haven't written in quite awhile. I have done little descriptions under daily photos, but not too much else in the writing department lately. Trying to determine how much to share on this little site is tricky business. Sometimes I want to write openly and candidly about various personal events and then I remember that some of my co-workers read this and it stops me in my tracks. After all, I sit by them day in day out, I really don't want them casting sideways glances at me, with that "wow, you're soooo messed up" look in their eyes.  Well, let's face it, they probably do that already. But, you know what I'm saying. And sometimes I think I really don't need to open up my life for everyone, I should just utilize this space to make people's day a little brighter, because if I can make someone laugh, I literally swell with pride (even more so than the usual water retention).

Does anyone really put their whole self or story out there? When it comes to vulnerability, why do we champion it in others and limit it in ourselves? Do we see vulnerability as a weakness? Or, do we subconsciously operate in self protection mode? Vulnerability is a bit of a dance. If someone shares a very personal story with you, it might prompt you to share something of equivalent intimacy, slowly building trust step by step. But when you're writing on a site like this, you kind of just put your words out there, and don't know how they are interpreted, unless people leave comments (which I always welcome). You hope that your words translate well and that people can connect with what you are saying. When I think of my closest friends, I value the fact that we dig deep, that we share the good and the bad of our respective journeys. I tend to prefer smaller groups to large ones because I enjoy a good conversation that really gets into the meat of a topic. Do you let your friends know your most personal thoughts, or do you find it off putting if someone is too open?

I love this ted talk by Brene Brown on vulnerability.
"When you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak. When you ask people about belonging, they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded. When you ask people about connection, the stories they tell are of disconnection."
"With connection comes vulnerability - in order for us to connect, we have to let ourselves be truly seen. Some people have a strong sense of love and belonging within themselves and some struggle to find it: the key is a sense of worthiness. People who have a strong sense of love and belonging, believe they are worthy of love and belonging." A great example Brene Brown gave, in an interview I saw on the topic of vulnerability, is from the film Say Anything. John Cusack's character holds up a ghetto blaster outside the window of a girl he loves, playing the song "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel. The audience eats. it. up. People cheer. Women swoon. But when the audience is asked if they would do something so brave, the answer is a resounding "No."
We encourage others to be vulnerable, but we refrain from putting our own feelings on the line.
What makes you feel the most vulnerable? Asking someone out? Being the first person to say I Love You? Initiating Sex? Calling up a new friend? Telling someone you need help? Writing something very personal on a website/facebook or other public forum?

aha moment

Recently, I've read about a topic that I am excited to share with you because I think it impacts so many people. Have you heard about experiential avoidance? In simple terms, you avoid feelings of discomfort, anxiety, negative thoughts or feelings as a short term fix, but end up creating more long term harm for yourself. For example, you want to get in better shape so you join a gym. But then you start worrying what others will think of you when they see your out-of-shape body at the gym. You also don't like the effort it demands of you to drive to the gym, exert yourself and get uncomfortably sweaty. It's easier to just curl up on your sofa, where you feel safe. So, you stay in. In the short term, you've avoided feeling anxious and any bodily discomfort, but over the long term, if this behaviour persists, you will become increasingly out of shape. People with social phobias feel distress when they are invited to a party where they will have to make small talk, which induces negative feelings within themselves. They can't fully engage in conversation because they are scanning the room to see how others are perceiving them. They can't relax because they are putting all of their energy into regulating their anxiety. So, they stay home where they feel calm and happy. Short term gain? Absolutely. But over the long term, they begin to live a more constricted and narrowing existence.
You can see how easy it is for substance abuse to arise if we apply experiential avoidance. To avoid negative thoughts/feelings, boredom, or distract us from something difficult or demanding in our lives, we turn to drugs, pills or alcohol to numb or avoid the pain. For the short term we feel a happy and our problems are forgotten. But over the long term, this coping technique creates addiction.
Often what people don't realize is that by avoiding negative or uncomfortable thoughts/feelings, bodily sensations, we end up increasing the intensity and frequency of our problem over time.
We are essentially giving our problems more power over our lives. Over the long term, psychologists say that experiential avoidance is one of the most detrimental coping styles and link it to psychopathology.
Think of whatever it is that causes you stress/anxiety. Do you use avoidance as a solution?
I have definitely been guilty of this. My sense of confidence has always been lacking, so I have avoided some risks for a fear of failure. For example, I have been asked to shoot photographs for engagements and weddings and have recommended other photographers for fear that I would ruin their special moment. So, in the short term, I didn't have to worry about failing. But over the long term, I'm not doing anything to improve my confidence or my skill set as a photographer.
Life isn't supposed to be comfortable all of the time. Avoidance short changes your experience of living a full life.
I love the analogy that we should think of ourselves as the sky, where we let clouds come and go, but we are the bigger picture. We are vast enough to contain all experiences: the clouds, the storms and the sun.
So, for the social phobic, go to the next party or social engagement you are invited to. If you feel anxious or uncomfortable, just sit with it. Observe the negative feelings in your body. Observe your thoughts in a matter of fact way, and let them go.
In fact, people who are willing to expose themselves to the negative feelings and emotions that accompany these experiences, enjoy better mental health and perform better at work.
Ever since reading about this I've been trying to apply it to things I'm working on. For example, being shy, there have definitely been times where I've felt anxious making small talk. But, now I just let myself sit in the discomfort and let it pass. I'd much rather have interesting conversations and meet new people than allow my shyness to overtake my life.
When you look back at some of your favourite experiences, isn't it often when you were doing something bold and brave that directly challenged your greatest anxieties or fears?
Have a wonderful weekend lovely friends!

* image courtesy of sgilighting.ca

changing direction

This month has been heavily based in photography, so I thought I'd take a moment to write a little more in depth. Is there something that holds you back from living your life to the fullest? I have seen some friends tackle their issues with tremendous success (through books, courses or counselling) and some friends who just accept their anxieties as a part of who they are and let them dictate/ruin their lives to some extent by living a much smaller life than they deserve. Becoming a new parent, I want to show my daughter how important it is to live her biggest life. I have been burdened with social anxiety, which is really challenging because I love being around people. I am painfully shy and yet feel most alive when I am connecting with others. I push through it a lot of the time by accepting most social invitations because I know the payoff is worth it, but there are days when I become a bit of a hermit rather than put myself out there. I know my shyness stems from low self confidence, which I am working hard at building. With confidence comes the ability to make decisions with ease, to trust your instincts and not allow fear to dictate any direction in your life. It's funny because there are some things I've done that others would be afraid of, like fly to Louisiana on my own to help build houses after Hurricane Katrina hit, when I knew no one. I made a speech at my friend's wedding without being nervous at all. And yet, I am paralyzed with fear to work the room at a cocktail party. Perhaps I am airing all my secrets, but I want to let people know that we all have our own issues. Some choose to work on them diligently and some people tend to put their issues on the back burner. I don't want my issues to impact the lives of those I love. I want to be an inspiration to my daughter, to show her that we can do/be whatever we put our mind to and not let our anxiety dictate our path. So, over the next while (months? years? lifetime?) I will work hard on my issues so that I live life to the fullest and can help instill confidence in my daughter. I promise to pass along any epiphanies to you, in case I can help one person. Okay, a little heavy handed right before a long weekend, but I just wanted to speak from the heart. xo

changing our expectations

One of the biggest life lessons I learned from a friend who recently passed away is to try and live without expectations, that way you aren't disappointed. He truly was one of the happiest people I knew and I think his outlook played a large part in that. Don't you find that after you go to an event, you either loved it or hated it because it exceeded or fell short of your expectations? Why do we have preconceived notions of how things should be? I definitely expect others to make the same efforts for me that I make for them and often am let down. It isn't anyone's fault but my own for having expectations of how things should be. Living without expectations isn't to say we shouldn't have boundaries, goals and dreams for ourselves, but to realize that things don't always go according to plan. In fact, life rarely goes according to plan. Think back to when you were 18, is your life now how you thought it would be? Probably not. I thought I would be a writer for a wildly successful and hilarious sitcom and have children when I was in my late 20s. Fast forward 20 years, and the only writing I do is on this blog and I had my baby at 39, not exactly the age of a spring chicken. More like a wiser, older chicken with very few eggs popping out.    
The older I get (and believe me, I seem to be aging by leaps and bounds lately!) the more I realize it is resilience, adaptability and a sense of humour that are key components to success in life. People lose jobs, they get divorced, friendships change, loved ones die. All of these incidents force us to let go of our expectations for how life is supposed to be. The key is not to get stuck in a moment, caught in a failure or sadness and have it define you forever. Life is too short for that. If there's one thing I'm learning through being a parent is that you have to live in the moment.  Expectations and babies don't mix. I start each day with a to do list. (Are you a list maker? My god, I love writing lists. They include everything from chores like 'get groceries', to obvious gimmes like 'have a shower'.)  Sometimes I breeze through the day's list and sometimes I might get one thing done depending on how my daughter's day goes. It used to frustrate me that some days go by with little accomplished, but I've learned to let go of expectations and take each day as they come. Try to toss out your expectations with your next event, your next movie, your next meal, your next day - just experience it without any preconceived notions and see how it goes. xo

in dreams

Do you have a recurring dream? I don't mean a recurring dream like I'd love to win the lottery or I'd love to make out with Javier Bardem... I mean the message your subconscious keeps trying to tell you through repeated dreams...
I had mine again last night: I am searching for a toilet and the ones I find are either completely disgusting (think Mexican truck stop) or completely public (think Home Depot toilet display), rendering them useless. It turns out this means that I need to let go of something or purge something that has blocked me. Do you have any recurring dreams lately? Apparently mine is quite common (placing #9 in the top 10 most common dreams) - here are the others:

10) Feeling trapped: means something/someone is holding you back from your full potential
9) Toilet dream described above
8) Drowning: you are overwhelmed by circumstances in your life
7) Flying: you have freedom to express yourself
6) Running in slow motion/going nowhere: facing hardships and obstacles.
5) Losing your teeth: feel powerless in a real life situation
4) Naked in Public: if you feel proud: you have nothing to hide and are read to come clean with a situation or that you are not afraid to fail. If you feel ashamed about being naked in your dream, it can mean you are very insecure or feel vulnerable in a relationship.
3) Lost/unprepared (You have a test you haven't studied for, can't find your classroom): anxiety about change or insecure about your abilities/performance
2) Falling: feeling abandoned/fear of abandonment
1) Chased: Running away from something (but it might be a talent you are not acknowledging or a love you aren't admitting to yourself.)

Have you had some of these dreams? When I was trying to get pregnant, I often dreamt that my teeth were falling out (#5 on the list). Do some of these dreams occur more regularly for you during a certain phase of your life?

evolving

Last weekend one of my friends asked me to tell her something she could improve on about herself. I didn't want to answer because the last thing I want to do was is insult them when I absolutely adore them. I would feel way more comfortable giving her a list of all her strengths. But, she persisted that I answer, so I did. She wants to grow and wants to know in what areas she could improve. Would you dare ask someone that? I thought it took tremendous guts. Some people have the philosophy, "this is who I am, like me or not" but I truly admire those who want to keep becoming their best selves and are willing to change. Don't get me wrong, I don't think people should strive to be perfect. How boring would that be? The big question is, which quirks should we embrace within ourselves and which ones should we overcome? I think the answer lies in how it is holding you back in your life or negatively impacting your relationships with others. Are your anxieties/phobias/issues limiting you? If you were told you only had one year to live, what would you regret if you didn't achieve/accomplish? Don't you find it inspiring when people push themselves to grow and try new things? I love surrounding myself with people who are positive by nature, enthusiastic to try new things and are excited about their life.
My biggest list topper has always been to work on my confidence. A lack of confidence can make you believe that every negative thought you have about yourself is a truth and can distort your sense of who you are. It makes you afraid to take chances, on account you might fail. I'm happy to report that being a mom has been a great help in improving my confidence. Each time Stella and I go out together and encounter a new situation, meet new people, or if she has a meltdown in public and I handle it with ease, it adds another building block to feeling more confident about myself. It makes me want to get out there and try more new adventures with her. Children pick up on their parent's anxieties/insecurities/etc. so for  my daughter's sake, I want to continue to grow to be the best possible role model for her. What's your "thing" that you'd most like to improve upon?

what you might not know about me....

I am currently taking Susannah Conway's delicious Blogging from the heart e-course. It's a wonderful mix of writing prompts, interviews, videos and a network of women who share the same passion for creativity. Here's a little peek into things you might not know about me for friends and classmates alike:

I got pregnant naturally last year with our daughter Stella, even though my doctor told me I only had a 5% chance

Coffee and q-tips are my biggest addictions

I built houses in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina struck

I value humour and kindness above all other traits

My passion for photography was born while travelling through Africa 5 years ago

I believe actions always speak louder than words

My husband is the funniest person i know

I am painfully shy but am not afraid of public speaking

I have done contemporary dance on stage in an auditorium

I am trying to let go of my expectations of others

My drink of choice is bourbon and coke

I haven't had beef for 15 years

I will always value brains over beauty

I was a reporter

I have belly danced at a greek restaurant

I have somehow collected the greatest circle of friends

I camped in the Masai Mara with a lion outside our tent

I was adopted

Status symbols and vanity don't impress me

Nature is my religion and protecting animals is my charity of choice

I crawled through a cave tunnel on my belly that was only one and a half feet tall

I have skinny dipped in a pool, hot tub and the ocean

I will always have crushes on people who make me laugh

Introversion & Extroversion - are you an innie or an outie?

Let's face it, we live in an extrovert's world. Our culture expects people to be outgoing. But with the release of Susan Cain's new book Quiet and Time magazine's article on the power of shyness, introversion is finally getting its "say". By current estimates, 30% of our culture are introverts. And studies are revealing that our affinity for extroversion and bias against introversion may not be that healthy after all.

Research shows that introverts tend to be more deliberate, which means they think things through, often leading to smarter decisions. Introverts are better at listening which can often make them better leaders. A notable example of this is with the most recent presidents. George W. Bush and Bill Clinton are both very extroverted, leaning towards quick decision making, which, in turn, was their eventual downfall: one with Iraq, the other with an intern. However, President Obama's more cerebral, introverted inward approach, which often gets critiqued for being too risk averse, has lead to less rash decision making than his predecessors. Studies show that introverted leaders are more detail oriented, better at representing their people (better listeners) and better at assessing risk and remaining focussed (which explains the latest surge in introverted CEOs like Bill Gates and Google CEO Larry Page). Warren Buffet is also classified as an introvert for his inherent awareness and aversion to risk. Interestingly, extroverts are more reward driven. Unfortunately they often ignore warning signs along the way in their desire for reward. The financial crisis is blamed on this phenomenon. Most people know instinctively what classification they fall into: Extroverts draw energy from mingling with large groups - they actively seek out social gatherings and thrive in a large circle of friends. Introverts prefer smaller gatherings or simply want to be alone. Introverts can often fit all their friends in a phone booth, but tend to have deeper relationships. Introversion is not to be confused with shyness. Shyness is more of a form of anxiety. Shy people tend to avoid social situations, even those they want to attend because of their inherent anxiety. 

It's funny, I have always been labelled as a quiet person, so naturally, I assumed I was shy. After reading the article in depth and completing their questionnaire, it turns out I'm introverted, not shy. It is nice to see some positive narrative on introversion because it often is mislabelled as a negative trait -something that you need to change or overcome. Like sexuality, introversion or extroversion is predetermined from the womb. Although we are all born as introverts or extroverts, how we deal with this, according to the Free Trait Theory, will depend upon our personal goals. According to Harvard lecturer and research psychologist Brian Little, we have three identities: our biogenic identity (introvert or extrovert), our sociogenic identity (expectations of family/religion/culture) and our ideogenic identity (our personal desires). For example, even though I was born an introvert, I am driven to connect with people on a deep level - I love finding out what makes people tick, what their interests are and what they want from life so I actively choose to spend a lot of time with friends. It is part of my ideogenic identity. I could spend more time alone (true to my introverted nature/biogenic identity) - but I'd miss out on an important part of reaching my personal desire to connect deeply with others. So, I choose to spend many of my days visiting family/friends. I may not have hundreds of friends, but the ones I have, I can say I know very well. Where my introversion causes me problems is in my sociogenic identity (cultural expectations). I tank in the the cocktail party scenario where you have to make small talk. I find that small talk is an art form in its own that I am simply not very good at. I wish I thrived at small talk, because the cocktail party scenario is definitely an integral part of most career paths and I really do admire people who have the gift of the gab. I am glad that these articles have emerged and that positive light is finally being shed on introversion. To make a long story short, nerds rock.