pieces of the puzzle

Hi lovely friends. I hope you had a wonderful weekend! This past weekend I finally sent off all of my paperwork to search for my birth parents. I have attempted this in the past, only to come up empty handed. I'm not really expecting different results this go-round, because my birth parents have a no contact declaration on my file, which is typical of adoptions in the '70s. And I get it. It's a decision they made when they were young and more than likely they just wanted to move along with their lives and put it behind them. But recently I found out that if I can get an undertaking form notarized within 90 days of receiving my adoption search results, I can at least have access to my adoption records. At this point of my life, I'll take whatever little nugget of information I can get. So, all I might find out is my original name, or a small file of medical information, but at least it is something. Here is the bare bones information I have about my birth parents:

Mother: 20. French Scottish. Pretty. 5'4", 125 pounds. Brown hair, green eyes, medium complexion. Quiet. Thoughtful. Bright. Charming. Interested in tennis, swimming, skiing, skating, music and reading.

Father: 21. English Scottish. 6' medium build. Curly red hair, blue eyes, fair freckled complexion. Outgoing. Likeable. Extremely athletic - plays hockey, basketball, football. University student.

As soon as I had this little blue-eyed, curly red headed daughter of mine, the most common question I'm always asked is, "where does she get that bright red hair from?" Based on the information I have, it is easy for me to see that she has my birth father's colouring. And with that little match in physicality, I became instantly intrigued with my past. Are my birth parents still together? What was her birth experience like with me? Do I have any siblings out there? Does Stella have any little red headed cousins? What's my medical history? Have they ever tried to find me? Are they both still alive and healthy? Do they have families of their own? There's a lot of information that I'll probably never know, but having a child of my own has definitely piqued my interest in finding out whatever I can. 

Being adopted, there are certain trademark personality traits that I possess: a lack of identity, a deeply rooted sense of abandonment (I'm always afraid that family or friends are simply going to leave) and desperately wanting to feel like I belong somewhere. It is also challenging to visit doctors and have "adopted" as my answer about my family medical history. I am hoping through this search that I can obtain any little piece of information to help me build upon my sense of self. 

Ever since going through a pregnancy and birth, and all that it involves (the nausea, my body's physical changes, the baby's step-by-step development, the 9+ months of taking good care of myself through nutrition and exercise, the bonding experience of birth), I feel so much admiration for the woman who endured a whole pregnancy, gave birth and then selflessly gave me up. I can't even wrap my mind around how difficult it would be to go through all of that and then leave the hospital empty handed. It is such a brave, altruistic decision. She'd be 60 now. I'd love to tell her that I ended up with amazing parents and have a really happy home life of my own, in case she ever wondered if she did the right thing.

Nature vs. Nurture

As we undergo the adoption process, a lot of questions and thoughts about my own adoption come to mind. A few years ago, I tried doing a search on my birthparents, mainly to find out my medical history, and I was told that a "no contact" clause was on my file. Door closed. Because I was adopted in the 70s, it wasn't as open as the process is today. I look at my brother's children (in the photo above) and they are truly a miniature version of my brother and his wife. I see their expressions and dispositions so vividly apparent in their children. I often wonder if there are people out there who look like me or have some of my deeply ingrained traits? Which traits are uniquely our own?  I have always been curious about the nature vs. nurture question. What qualities are we born with and which ones are learned from our environment? As dear friends of mine prepare to undergo the process of selecting a sperm donor, it's interesting to see what qualities they look in their search; which traits they believe will be genetically passed onto their future children.
Here's the information that I was given when I was born:

Mother: 20. French Scottish. Pretty. 5'4", 125 pounds. Brown hair, green eyes, medium complexion. Quiet. Thoughtful. Bright. Charming. Interested in tennis, swimming, skiing, skating, music and reading.

Father: 21. English Scottish. 6' medium build. Curly red hair, blue eyes, fair freckled complexion. Outgoing. Likeable. Extremely athletic - plays hockey, basketball, football. University student.

Pretty bare bones, but I can definitely see a few pieces of me in there. Green eyes, fair skin, reddish hair, quiet, thoughtful, and really charming (kidding, but that one makes me smile.) I definitely feel most alive when I'm active. Is that ingrained in me from my birth father's athleticism? But then there are qualities like my sense of humour, love of animals, compassion for others that are truly inherited from my environment. I know these are qualities I learned from my parents' actions. And then there is my love of dance, photography and writing that I believe are uniquely my own.  I love it when people tell me that I remind them of my mom or dad, because it reiterates that you don't have to be born into a family to fit into it.

Which qualities do you believe are genetic? In no way am I an expert. In my humble opinion, I think that physical appearance and medical history can be genetic (both biological and psychological), but after that, all bets are off. So often you see two children born into the same family who have completely different personalities, drive and intellect from one another. I know friends who are so successful and driven who grew up in horrible deadbeat households, and some who grew up in amazing households but struggle to find their footing in life. How do our environments shape us? What qualities are inherited from the friends we choose in our lives?

What traits in you are genetic and what have you learned along the way?

xo

Thicker Skin

It is becoming increasingly apparent that I will have to develop thicker skin during this adoption process. Quickly.
On Friday at work, a co-worker walked up and said, "I heard through the grapevine that you are adopting." I happily replied, "Yes, we are." Their response: "Why?"
It's funny because if I had a little buddha belly and announced, "I'm pregnant!" The responses would inevitably be, "Congratulations!" I don't think people would say, "Why?"
So, once again, I found myself having to explain the painful reality of my fertility issues to someone I barely know.  I finished the story with, "well, my husband and I are really excited about it all. " She just said, "hm".
I realize that a lot of people just aren't familiar with adoption and perhaps don't know how to react to it. I like the philosophy that people really just do their best, given what they know at the time. And when they know better, they do better. So maybe if I can shed a little light on Adoption, I'll help broaden some minds and more moms-to-be will hear "Congratulations!" instead of "Why?"

I know the road will only get more challenging, especially since we are creating a multicultural family. I know there is a lot of ignorance in this world. I've already entertained questions like, "why would you adopt internationally when their are children who need homes in Canada?"
I'm definitely not opposed to adopting locally whatsoever. Amazing families are formed at home. For us, it was just a question of timing at this stage of our lives.  Through international adoption, we were given a list of Hague Convention approved countries to choose from and then we get put on a waiting list. We chose Korea because we really liked their adoption program. They have a wonderful foster care program for the babies in waiting.  Our agency is allowed to permit seven families to adopt from Korea in a given year, so we were thrilled to make that short list, knowing within the year, we'd be parents. When you adopt locally, you put together a package and wait while a birth mom goes through all of the homestudy books/packages until she chooses a couple to give her baby to. It could take months, or it could take years. We just knew in our hearts that we're ready to be parents. Now.

If you saw my blog entry  The Girl Effect a few weeks ago, you would also know that children growing up in third world countries aren't provided with the same opportunities that children are here. So if you are someone who sees a family with an adopted baby from Ethiopia or Haiti and say, why don't they help children here first? Think of the life someone born in Canada has, versus the life of a child growing up in the developing world. You can also take action and do something for local children instead of paying it lip service by criticizing the choices of others.

It's definitely an adventure going through this process. We couldn't be more excited. The day we get a proposal, you'll probably hear screams of joy trailing through the air - no matter where you live. We'll be THAT LOUD. We've also had the most amazing far reaching support. I couldn't be more thankful to our families, our friends, and friends of friends who have overwhelmed us with their genuine interest and support. This child is going to be LOVED. Big time.

(in)fertility

This is something I've been wanting to write about for a long time now. After a wonderful late night conversation with friends last night, I thought it was time to put pen to paper, so to speak.
My husband and I have been trying for years to expand our family to include a baby. It is something we both want more than anything else. We have been through a battery of tests and have had consistently healthy results. Doctors have told us that our fertility issues fall into the "unknown" category. Of course, in the meantime, it seems like the everyone around us has gotten pregnant. Six out of 9 people in my department at work have had children in the last two years. I am always truly exceptionally happy for them, and yet go home and shed a few tears, wondering if we will ever get to make such a joyous announcement of our own to friends and family. I am 38 and my husband is 42; we are not exactly spring chickens anymore. This is why, after lengthy discussions, we decided to start the ball rolling on adoption. We just want to be parents and raise a child together. We became really excited by the thought of adopting a child - and giving a child in need a home full of love.
What I didn't expect were some of the reactions we have gotten when we have told people that we are adopting. Instead of a happy "congratulations", like people receive when they announce they are pregnant, we have often been met by the common reaction: "have you tried in vitro?" This one always takes me by surprise - I never think of adoption as last in a pecking order of parenthood options. I have never thought biological is best. I have had people say to me, "I couldn't adopt, you are braver than me. You never know what you'll get." I have also been blown away by the audacity of people who comment on our fertility issues by saying things like, "are you sure you love each other?" or "maybe it's just not your fate to have children." I am adopted which is why I have a hard time listening to those who view my decision to adopt as "risky" or "charitable". Being adopted, with my own fertility issues,  I may go my whole life without a biological connection to anyone, but I have a life full of love. No one knows what they'll get when they have children - whether it's biological or through adoption. I just see adopting as a wonderful choice we made to create our family -just like when I picked Craig or when we adopted our pets Molly and Cooper. My family was all created by choices, not biological ties, and I couldn't love them more.