silver linings

At this time of year, I always put together a photo book of our favourite moments of the year. I'm not going to lie to you, this has been the hardest year I've known. As many of you know, about a month into the year, I held my mom's hand in her doctor's office only to have our hearts obliterated when he told her she only had a few months to live, that she had a very rare form of cancer: mesothelioma.
It sat like a pit in our stomachs throughout our days and a heaviness in our hearts. It was a tangible pain. She is the center, the heart of our family. I think it's safe to say I cried pretty much each day this year - mostly in the car on my commute home, where I could let out a day's worth of keeping it in.
But looking back on the photos, while compiling them for this year's re-cap book, this was also an extraordinary year. We spent so much quality time together as a family - every few days we were joined at the dinner table. Cancer taught us to have important conversations, to focus on what's most important in life and to realize how fragile this life of ours is.
Cancer showed us what support looks like. Support looks like my parent's friends who showed up with meal after meal, who cleaned their home time and time again, who threw wonderful parties, who called endlessly checking in. And the support extended to my extraordinary friends, who dropped off meals or gifts for my mom, even though they have never met her. They blew me away with their thoughtfulness.
Support looks like a wall in mom's home, full of beautiful drawings from her grandbabies, who are too young to know what is happening, but just want nana to feel better.
Now don't go thinking I'm pro cancer, because I'm most definitely not. I was just addressing the silver linings from this year. My mantra is actually fuck cancer. Fuck it for seeping into this family and for slowly taking away our favourite person. Fuck it for still existing in all of its multitudes in spite of millions of millions of dollars put into research. Fuck cancer for having no conscience about who it inflicts.
But I'm looking forward to giving my mom this photo book, to show her that in spite of it all, we still shared so many extraordinary days together. Seize the day people. It's not just a catch phrase, there is so much weight behind it. xoxo

date night

Hello friends! Did you have a fun weekend? It had almost been over four months since we had a date night, and when my mother in law kindly offered to watch our little gal for an overnighter, we leapt at the chance. We may have said yes before she finished the question. We scoured the internet for local events for the coming weekend and came across this fun listing: CBC Music Festival at Deer Lake Park. We booked our tickets and grabbed a hotel room close by. Do you like staying at hotels? I think I love the hotel experience because I've never been much of a germaphobe (although I did handwash all the mugs and glasses in the room first - trust me, you will want to do that.). I think I love hotels because I can completely relax - ie - I don't look around at any housework/projects that need doing. It also means that my senior citizen pets aren't waking us up 2-3 times a night to go outside. It was bliss I tell you, bliss!!!

We dropped off the munchkin at the in-laws and checked into our room (they upgraded us for free to a suite. Sweet!) We poured some delicious cocktails and got ready for our show. 

I'm sure when a golfer steps onto a course or a hockey player skates onto the ice, they get that same feeling I do when I walk into a music festival. It feels like home. 

No outside food was allowed in, so we got some food truck burritos and brews - perfect concert grub. 

I ran up to the front when Dan Mangan started his set - he is my giant folk music crush. Spoon also put on a tight set - twenty years together, it's not surprising that they are amazing live. Fun Fact, I just read that Spoon's singer, John Britt Daniel, is also the singer/bass player for Divine Fits, another great band.

We were fortunate enough for the weather to hold off most of the time we were there, but after Spoon, it started pouring. We tried to wait it out under a tree, but unfortunately, we didn't make it for the final performance: Tegan & Sara

Honestly, I can't recommend the overnight date enough if you can swing it. We stayed up late, watched this sweet little flick, slept in(YES!!!!) and had a delicious breakie in the hotel. We felt totally rejuvenated and pumped to be reunited with our little gal. 

for you romantics out there.......

Love is so profoundly moving. Here is a beautiful example of it.

goodnight sweet grandma, may you rest in peace

This photo was taken at her 101st birthday this year. She still had that little spark in her eyes that I loved so much. Tonight, she passed away.
I am so thankful for every moment I got to share with her.
She was the oldest of eight children, grew up in a two bedroom farmhouse in the prairies, and has outlived everyone in her family.
She  met my grandpa at a wedding, and she said she knew instantly that she loved him. He asked her out that night and they were by each other's side for over 50 years until he passed away at the age of 80. She never anticipated outliving him by 21 years and told me how often her heart ached for him.
Their only child was my mother.
My grandma rode to school on horseback, lived through the depression, wars, cooked for a family of 7 three times a day to make ends meet, owned a bakery, and saw more changes in her lifetime than I will ever witness. She was the kind of woman that always invited people throughout her neighbourhood over for a meal or a cup of tea. If someone didn't have a place to go for Christmas, they would always be welcome at her table.
She was my home away from home. She taught my brother and I how to play crib, darts and pool, let us stay up late to watch shows like the Love Boat or Carole Burnett, gave us hot bowls of oatmeal for breakfast and had the most amazing homemade bread. She had an incredible vegetable garden and didn't mind that we used to sit in it and eat our way out of it. I used to love making cookies with her or listening to her sing.
She was the quintessential grandma - always baking, always hugging, always sharing funny stories about antics my brother and I got into growing up. I have three things of hers that represent her in a nutshell to me: her ruby ring (her name was Ruby), her cookie jar and a quilt she made my daughter.
Through my grandma's deteriorating health over the last five years, my mom has transformed into an angel. My mom was by her side day in, day out, even though my grandma couldn't always recall who she was.
Some days my mom would just go and simply hold her hand for hours, just to reassure her that she was there.
Death always brings a flood of thoughts: our memories of our loved ones, our beliefs about what happens when we die, our awareness of on our own mortality. I'm just so thankful that I got to know this incredible lady so well and to have her in my life for so long. Earlier this week she looked at me and told me that she was going to be okay. I feel such reassurance from this. Goodnight sweet grandma. xo

finding balance

It's an overused phrase - work/life balance. With a baby on the way, it's definitely on my mind a lot more these days. Do you feel like your life is well balanced? Or, do you find there's not enough time in the day for all that you want to do? Personally, the four spare hours I have in the evening take a lot of planning because it involves juggling dinner, friends, family, exercise, housework, hobbies, there's just a lot to fit in small windows of time. When you add a baby to the mix, I think a lot of stuff gets re-prioritized. All week, one of my favourite blogs, a cup of jo, has been interviewing moms with challenging careers and getting their perspective on time management. I heard an interesting stat this week that 94% of working moms are stressed out and 89% of stay at home moms are stressed out - which means any way you slice it, parenting is stressful. Of course I fantasize of falling into the 6% that seem to enjoy the balance of it all. One thing that I read a lot about lately that really gets my back up is stay at home moms who criticize working moms,"I don't even know why she had children if she doesn't want to raise them herself." This is a comment I've heard time and time again. I hope stay at home moms realize that it's a privilege to have that as an option. It's an option that a lot of today's families simply can't afford. By that sentiment, only upper class families who can afford to live on one income should have children. And single motherhood would be scrapped altogether. Isn't it ridiculous when you think about it? I feel like I'm always having to repeat myself that as women we have to show solidarity and support one another's choices. I respect women who are stay at home moms or working moms because I know both involve a tremendous amount of work. Also, some women choose to balance careers and family because they get fulfillment from both. For our family, we can't afford for me to be a stay at home mom, and I will just adjust to re-balancing life as it unfolds with a baby. I know that I will make them my first priority when I step through the door. And as long as they know that we're giving our loved ones our best, what more can we ask of ourselves?

sometimes it's the little things that mean the most

My love gave me this eraser. I am always touched by the little thoughtful gestures he does. He honestly never fails to give my days so much life. Love is the word of the day. I'm definitely feeling sentimental today. My mom and dad finally locked up their old house for the last time today. I will truly miss their beautiful park-like garden. It's where I was married, where my brother was married, and where our family dog was buried. A few tears were shed today. There are a lot of memories in that space. But life is like that - sometimes we have to make changes to fit where we're at in this stage of our lives, and part of that means closing old doors and opening new ones. A lot of our loved ones are going through huge changes at this stage of life - some starting amazing new adventures, some having to adjust to life's upheavals, but what seems to be the thread to all of our stories, always comes back to love.

The romantic in me can't wait to see these films this summer:
crazy stupid love -ryan gosling and steve carrell, cannot wait
one day - I read this amazing book in Hawaii and it looks perfectly interpreted on film

Love actually

Love. I'll bet if you ask all your friends what their definition of love is, they'd each say something slightly different. But one thing we can all agree upon is that it begins with a feeling. Something about this person makes them stand out from the others you've met. Something about them makes you want to share what precious time you have with them, to learn more, to share more, to laugh more. Some love stories are sweeping epics, spanning years with volumes of memories. Some love stories are fleeting, but no less full of love. Last year several people I know ended up getting divorced. Their love stories all started the same - full of bliss, hope and mutual adoration. They all had happy photos on their mantles at one point. Somewhere along the road, either they changed or their paths diverted away from one another. What makes me sad is hearing their stories of how they "stayed in it for the kids" or "stayed in it too long because they didn't want to be alone." You only have one shot at this life - make sure you're in a relationship because you truly want to be in it. Don't look back on your life and think, well, I stayed unhappy for 10 years to keep my children's lives stable. What does that teach them? Remember on airplanes they always say that in the event of an emergency, you have to put on your oxygen mask before helping others. You are no good to anyone unless you look after yourself first. Who wants miserable parents? I'm not an expert on love, and frankly I don't know anyone who is, but there are a few simple truths about love that I have learned over the years. Of those I know, the ones with the happiest relationships are people who share deeply compatible friendships. You have to have stuff in common that you enjoy, or else what fun are you having together? Lust fades, so you better have something solid to back it up. Don't get me wrong, there's still lots of great sex to be had, but that got-to-have-you-right-this-second-on-this-uncomfortable-tabletop only lasts so long - or else we'd never get anything done! Another simple truth about love -the more you put into it, the more you will get out of it. But that's a golden rule for most things in life. There are just a few questions you have to ask yourself - do they make your heart happy? Do you enjoy your time with them more than your time away from them? Are they the first person you would call if: you had amazing news to share, or if you won two tickets to a romantic destination, or if you were upset? And most importantly, are they worthy of your heart? Are you proud of who they are as a person?

There have been so many wonderful love stories captured on film. A few of my all time favourites are: Out of Africa, When Harry Met Sally, The Notebook, Walk the Line....but the little piece of film footage that I think best sums up love is this four minute montage from Up. Please click here and enjoy! xo