Todd Barry

I love Todd's understated delivery. Dry wit rocks it. 

just hilarious

Such a funny, well written sketch. Liam, Ricky, Stephen. Brilliant.

reality?

*image from celebug.com

Do you ever get suckered drawn into a "reality" show? I don't mean the Discovery Channel, that is far too educational and far too real. I mean shows where Hummer-driving, designer wearing, champagne lunching, plastic surgeon frequenting women educate us on the harsh realities of being a housewife in North America. And don't forget the shows where men and women search high and low through a series of exotic dates to find real love, because they are far too hideous to have any luck dating in the real world. I mean, just look at them, poor little bachelors and bachelorettes. There is a sub-category of reality shows like Project Runway, the Voice, So You Think You Can Dance, but these are based on having actual talent, so I'm excluding them from this dialogue.
Earlier this week, my little girl went to bed at a decent time and the hubby had to work late, so I settled in with a cup of tea and turned on the TV. The Bachelor was on. I haven't watched it this season but had to laugh (and watch) at the drama unfolding before my eyes.
The Bachelor was doing his round of hometown visits (where he meets the family of the final four women he's narrowed his marriage search down to) and inevitably has a conversation with a parent that, just in case he chooses their daughter (who he's known for a solid month) for marriage, he has their blessing. "Well, Bachelor, Sean is it? Do you love my daughter?" "Well Sir/M'am, I can't say at this point because there are other women involved, but if I choose your daughter, can I count on your blessing?" I know, eerie because it's so realistic, right?
What made this particular episode so funny was that one of the bachelor's final four women (Des) had an outspoken brother who called the bachelor out for being a playboy and told Des that this isn't the way to find real love, that she will only get hurt. She cried and looked at him like he was the biggest asshole to walk the earth. (Doesn't he know that three couples of the 24 shows have had success?) He was portrayed as downright being crazy and a loose cannon.
The bachelor was incensed that his character was attacked. A playboy?!? How dare he!
Cut to next seen of bachelor clinking champagne glasses with final three women (Des wasn't picked and was left heartbroken). "You three women are the ones for me!" Sean was right, no playboy would ever utter such a phrase.
There's a few trends I've noticed on these reality shows:

• At one point, in any given season, someone will utter the phrase: "She isn't on the show for the right reasons!" (You're absolutely right. How dare she use TV as a vessel to try and launch her acting career.)
• "Coming Up, an episode EVERYONE will be talking about!" (I know most of our meetings at work start with reality show updates before we get down to business.)
• There is always someone who is batshit crazy, who miraculously keeps evading being voted off until the final few episodes of a series.  They are always portrayed as being different off camera. (I'm sure the producers would never want to purposefully have drama on the show). 
• People who despise one another are always kept in close quarters with plenty of free alcohol flowing. (I don't know about you, but I love hanging out with my mortal enemies.)
• There will always be a "real housewife" who has a music career to launch. She will discover her lifelong dream to pursue singing when she is in her forties.
• Tossed off bachelors/bachelorettes who openly weep in the long limo ride home, and say things with snot dripping down their faces like: "They'll regret that decision!" will most likely regret that footage when they see it.
• If you find yourself on a televised Group Date with one man and nine other women, you should probably do some soul searching or become a mormon.

Happy Friday friends! 

Funny Fridays: Yoga class

I was at yoga class the other day and suddenly had a flashback of a yoga class that I took years ago, prompting me to share it with you.  I was living in a small town at the time. I don't want to mention it by name because I might offend the tens of people who live there and love it. Basically, picture a small town, then fill it with retirees' parents. Lawn bowlers unite! It's so small that when I lived there, there was a block party, complete with a cake, a ribbon cutting ceremony and the mayor, to celebrate the paving of one of their roads. I kid you not. During one dark and snow blasted night, I drove to my yoga class. I set up my mat, made small talk with the instructor and waited for class to begin. No one else showed up. "It looks like the snow has kept everyone away, I guess it's just us," he said. I got up and said, "Oh don't worry about it. We can skip it. I'll head out." He insisted that since I braved the stormy weather to get there, I should stay. Let me set the scene for you: Picture a fifty-something yoga instructor wearing nothing but short (and I mean short) spandex shorts teaching out of his living room lit dimly by a crackling fire in the fireplace. If I told you he looked like Leonardo Dicaprio, and that my yoga mat was a bearskin rug, it would seem like a wonderful Harlequin setting. But when I tell you he looked more like Leonardo Da Vinci, and that the shorts were bordering on speedo length, suddenly the setting takes a horrible left turn doesn't it? He got me to lie down on my back, while he stood above me, a leg on each of my sides. He wanted me to practice my bridge poses and assisted by lifting my hips. As you can imagine, my eyes darted everywhere in the room except up. I did not want my gaze to hit that spandex zone, even if it meant throwing my neck into spasms to look elsewhere. He would periodically stop our class to stoke the fire. Picture half naked Da Vinci in short shorts silhouetted against a roaring fire. Every now and again his wife would stroll through to do some minor dusting. In my contorted positions, I kept trying to throw her my best, "I'm here for the yoga, not your husband" reassurance with my eyes. I thought I'd share that little moment from my fitness past because the image is now featured in the dictionary next to the word awkward.

Funny Fridays: First World Problems

Funny Fridays: Fitness edition

How to score free gatorade:

Two weeks ago the doctor gave me the green light to start working out again. Naturally since I have been pushing that mother**** of a stroller (why again didn't we buy something more lightweight?) daily,  I figured that working out would be an easy transition. Hence, my cocky decision to join my friend for a spinning class for my welcome back tour. Hell, I even went 15 minutes early to warm up my legs on one of the bikes. It seemed like a great idea at the time - you know, why not toss on an extra bit of cardio because after all, I did have an entire banana for breakfast and my bod was ripped from all of my walking. Oh ya, I figured my transition back to athletics would be undetectable to the naked eye. Fast forward 45 minutes into class, when we are supposed to be envisioning hills and as hard as I tried, I was only seeing stars. I wanted to smoothly climb off my bike and pretend I had to use the washroom. Unfortunately, as soon as I climbed off the bike, I knew that I'd collapse if I tried to walk away. So instead, I stood cooly beside my bike - pretending to inspect some ill-designed piece of mechanics on the bike. When I found my land legs again, I very non-chalantly sashayed out the door and sat on the first seat available. Immediately after, the teacher followed me out. It's the gym's policy to make sure you are okay. I told her to please return to teach her class, but she had to wait for another staff member to arrive before she could. So much for my subtle exit. Before I knew it, a gym jockey arrived, gave me a giant high five (for making it out alive?), checked my vital signs and gave me a bottle of gatorade as a parting gift/pity prize. Perhaps I over-shot. 

Since then, I have re-joined my local gym and have taken workouts at a gentler rate of return. Today at power yoga, someone actually out-dorked me. I kid you not. Not only did this neighbour yogi of mine sing along to the songs whilst we were doing yoga, (distract much?), when we were in an inverted pose he picked up his iphone and started texting. You read that right, he was texting upside down. My teacher, being a bit of an india-taught ancient practice kind of traditionalist, didn't think this was cool. She got up, and in front of the 50 or so students, stood by his side and announced, "ladies and gentlemen we have a first, texting while doing yoga..." but I know deep down she really wanted to shove the phone up his chakra. 

Namaste y'all!

Funny Fridays

I actually love movie trailers. Have you seen this clever trailer that spoofs every academy award winning movie?

Or what about these remakes of the shining or mary poppins? Or this eerie treatment of uncle buck or mrs. doubtfire? What about this inception style remake of toy story 3? Love. 

Have a wonderful weekend!!

Funny Fridays

Since he has left, the show isn't nearly as funny. This is one of my favourite Steve Carell scenes from the Office. (Jim can hardly keep a straight face). 

or what about this debbie downer skit? everyone cracks up....

So silly, but it makes me giggle - check out cats working out here.

This classic still makes me laugh - baby trashes bar...

I hope you have a great weekend! 

Funny Fridays: the hair salon

I know I called this Funny Fridays: the hair salon, but don't get too excited, I didn't get a funny cut. I just think the overall haircut experience is quite funny.  Most men I know aren't metrosexuals and treat a haircut as just something they have to get done: fill up car, pick up milk, get haircut. They drop in a local barbershop or presidents choice salon, see if there is any wait time, get a cut and then wait for their change from their $20. For women, the hair salon experience is entirely different. First of all , it gets marked on our calendars- we block off a night for it. We have our specific "someone" and we have built a hair trust relationship with this someone. We have such close bonds that we feel we are cheating on them if we go to someone else. If you are a woman and a friend at work asks you what you are doing that evening, and you say "getting my haircut" they inevitably lean in, "ooooooh! Are you getting it coloured, trying our a new style?" Women understand. It is an experience and they want to know your plan of attack.  For men, it doesn't even register as something worth mentioning unless the barber had some porn mags hidden under the sports illustrated. Last night I walked in to see my hairdresser with a magazine ad clutched in my hand, hoping the glossy image could speak volumes to my stylist. She looked at my photo of Penelope Cruz and then back at my red frizz, continuously back and forth with a puzzled expression. I wondered if she could see the desperation in my eyes, my pathetic plea for her to not only transform my hair into something smooth, but could the aforementioned haircut also somehow make my boobs look bigger and transform me into a Spanish goddess? I never seem to walk in clutching a photo of some pasty white girl, like myself. Clearly I view my stylist as some kind of miracle worker/illusionist hybrid. I am greeted by a younger woman who takes me to the hairwashing station, you know what I am talking about ladies, the scalp massage that you do everything in your power to refrain from professing your love to this stranger as they pretty much give your scalp an orgasm. This lovely hairwasher then led me to my stylist's workstation and asked if I would like a coffee. I think before she even finished the question I excitedly blurted out yes please!! As a new mom, coffee is pretty much the only thing keeping me upright. Shortly after taking my order, I think she went off shift. I never saw her again or that coffee. I'll categorize that experience as soul crushing. Please don't dangle the offer of a coffee in front of me, watch my face light up in anticipation and then leave. I will key your car - maybe with the words latte liar! I considered asking my stylist for the coffee, but she was busy telling me the story of someone she knows with cancer, and there is nothing that makes you look more like a jackass then saying, "I'm so sorry to interrupt the story of your sick friend, um, do you have any idea about the status of my complimentary coffee?" As the haircut progressed, a sketchy looking man leaned in the salon saying, "hi ladies." I thought, hmmm, so this is how I'm going to go out, bored creep opens fire on small town salon. I can't say I saw that one coming. He then asked, "does anyone here drive a silver Toyota?" A customer responded that she did. He said, this one right out here? And she followed him out. I thought, well, it has been nice knowing you Toyota driver, at least your hair will have fresh highlights for your funeral. But he actually found $20 on the ground beside her car and thought she probably dropped it when she walked into the salon. Boy did I feel like a fool for mistaking this amazing Good Samaritan for a pervert/killer. Isn't it refreshing that people like that still exist? Can you imagine if the Toyota driver bought us a round of celebratory lattes with that $20 at the neighboring Starbucks? That would bookend this story so nicely! She probably used the money to tip her hairdresser, which, I suppose, is also nice.  Happy Friday! I hope you have a great weekend lined up! xo
** Sorry this entry is lacking a photo, we are housesitting and I am lacking my camera cables.

Funny Fridays: Yay, it's wine o'clock!

Happy Friday!  I hope you have a great weekend lined up! Stella has started smiling a lot these past few days, so of course I am shamelessly using her photos on yet another blog posting. I like how in the top photo she looks like she is really mulling over something (naturally hilarious) that I said before she belts out laughing in confirmation that yes, indeed, her mom is absolutely hilarious. I think the funniest moment I had today was spooning out instant coffee into one of Stella's bottles. Oh the hilarity that would have ensued had I given it to her by mistake. Craig looked at me in complete fear as I happily spooned out my coffee into her bottle whilst chatting with him. It's official: I have booked my ticket to OZ in search of a brain.

Here are a few funny finds around the web to get you giggling......
Have you seen this fresh stand up by Demetri Martin?
I think it is such a hilarious concept: Get people drunk and film them talking about key points in history. Check it out here.
Remember this little girl? What a day we'd have if we all started it out like this! 
I think this moment was the funniest bit at the Golden Globes last weekend.
xo

Funny Fridays

Hi friends! I hope you have a fun weekend lined up! I want to do a few tweaks to my blog so that it doesn't become an "I heart Stella" love fest. I will still post some photos of her and do write ups on being a new mom, but lately I've been out of control with the Stella photos. (The photo above cracks me up, she's just met her new friend Jacques, and is already leaning on him, chatting up a storm, "so I says to the guy...."). I want to add some other features so that more people than just my parents will read this blog. One of the first things I'm creating is Funny Fridays, where I just write about the funniest life incident of the week and add a few funny things I've found in cyberspace. I hope you like it. I know that everyone doesn't have the same taste in humour. If you love shows like Arrested Development, An Idiot Abroad, Curb Your Enthusiasm or Modern Family, chances are, you and I will be on the same page. If you prefer Whitney or Happy Endings then I applaud our differences but privately, I weep for you.

Some favourites on the web:

I love these men. 

Can you relate? So funny: shit girls say part 1 and here's part 2

This week's funny incident:
My dad, who hardly even uses email, just bought a new Iphone 4S. He came by to get our help in setting it up. "Oh my god!" he exclaimed.
"What? What is so suddenly wrong in your life?" I asked.
"The sales lady got water on it! Look!"
Sigh. "Dad, that's your screensaver."
And so his adventure with technology begins.