aha moment

Recently, I've read about a topic that I am excited to share with you because I think it impacts so many people. Have you heard about experiential avoidance? In simple terms, you avoid feelings of discomfort, anxiety, negative thoughts or feelings as a short term fix, but end up creating more long term harm for yourself. For example, you want to get in better shape so you join a gym. But then you start worrying what others will think of you when they see your out-of-shape body at the gym. You also don't like the effort it demands of you to drive to the gym, exert yourself and get uncomfortably sweaty. It's easier to just curl up on your sofa, where you feel safe. So, you stay in. In the short term, you've avoided feeling anxious and any bodily discomfort, but over the long term, if this behaviour persists, you will become increasingly out of shape. People with social phobias feel distress when they are invited to a party where they will have to make small talk, which induces negative feelings within themselves. They can't fully engage in conversation because they are scanning the room to see how others are perceiving them. They can't relax because they are putting all of their energy into regulating their anxiety. So, they stay home where they feel calm and happy. Short term gain? Absolutely. But over the long term, they begin to live a more constricted and narrowing existence.
You can see how easy it is for substance abuse to arise if we apply experiential avoidance. To avoid negative thoughts/feelings, boredom, or distract us from something difficult or demanding in our lives, we turn to drugs, pills or alcohol to numb or avoid the pain. For the short term we feel a happy and our problems are forgotten. But over the long term, this coping technique creates addiction.
Often what people don't realize is that by avoiding negative or uncomfortable thoughts/feelings, bodily sensations, we end up increasing the intensity and frequency of our problem over time.
We are essentially giving our problems more power over our lives. Over the long term, psychologists say that experiential avoidance is one of the most detrimental coping styles and link it to psychopathology.
Think of whatever it is that causes you stress/anxiety. Do you use avoidance as a solution?
I have definitely been guilty of this. My sense of confidence has always been lacking, so I have avoided some risks for a fear of failure. For example, I have been asked to shoot photographs for engagements and weddings and have recommended other photographers for fear that I would ruin their special moment. So, in the short term, I didn't have to worry about failing. But over the long term, I'm not doing anything to improve my confidence or my skill set as a photographer.
Life isn't supposed to be comfortable all of the time. Avoidance short changes your experience of living a full life.
I love the analogy that we should think of ourselves as the sky, where we let clouds come and go, but we are the bigger picture. We are vast enough to contain all experiences: the clouds, the storms and the sun.
So, for the social phobic, go to the next party or social engagement you are invited to. If you feel anxious or uncomfortable, just sit with it. Observe the negative feelings in your body. Observe your thoughts in a matter of fact way, and let them go.
In fact, people who are willing to expose themselves to the negative feelings and emotions that accompany these experiences, enjoy better mental health and perform better at work.
Ever since reading about this I've been trying to apply it to things I'm working on. For example, being shy, there have definitely been times where I've felt anxious making small talk. But, now I just let myself sit in the discomfort and let it pass. I'd much rather have interesting conversations and meet new people than allow my shyness to overtake my life.
When you look back at some of your favourite experiences, isn't it often when you were doing something bold and brave that directly challenged your greatest anxieties or fears?
Have a wonderful weekend lovely friends!

* image courtesy of sgilighting.ca