pieces of the puzzle

Hi lovely friends. I hope you had a wonderful weekend! This past weekend I finally sent off all of my paperwork to search for my birth parents. I have attempted this in the past, only to come up empty handed. I'm not really expecting different results this go-round, because my birth parents have a no contact declaration on my file, which is typical of adoptions in the '70s. And I get it. It's a decision they made when they were young and more than likely they just wanted to move along with their lives and put it behind them. But recently I found out that if I can get an undertaking form notarized within 90 days of receiving my adoption search results, I can at least have access to my adoption records. At this point of my life, I'll take whatever little nugget of information I can get. So, all I might find out is my original name, or a small file of medical information, but at least it is something. Here is the bare bones information I have about my birth parents:

Mother: 20. French Scottish. Pretty. 5'4", 125 pounds. Brown hair, green eyes, medium complexion. Quiet. Thoughtful. Bright. Charming. Interested in tennis, swimming, skiing, skating, music and reading.

Father: 21. English Scottish. 6' medium build. Curly red hair, blue eyes, fair freckled complexion. Outgoing. Likeable. Extremely athletic - plays hockey, basketball, football. University student.

As soon as I had this little blue-eyed, curly red headed daughter of mine, the most common question I'm always asked is, "where does she get that bright red hair from?" Based on the information I have, it is easy for me to see that she has my birth father's colouring. And with that little match in physicality, I became instantly intrigued with my past. Are my birth parents still together? What was her birth experience like with me? Do I have any siblings out there? Does Stella have any little red headed cousins? What's my medical history? Have they ever tried to find me? Are they both still alive and healthy? Do they have families of their own? There's a lot of information that I'll probably never know, but having a child of my own has definitely piqued my interest in finding out whatever I can. 

Being adopted, there are certain trademark personality traits that I possess: a lack of identity, a deeply rooted sense of abandonment (I'm always afraid that family or friends are simply going to leave) and desperately wanting to feel like I belong somewhere. It is also challenging to visit doctors and have "adopted" as my answer about my family medical history. I am hoping through this search that I can obtain any little piece of information to help me build upon my sense of self. 

Ever since going through a pregnancy and birth, and all that it involves (the nausea, my body's physical changes, the baby's step-by-step development, the 9+ months of taking good care of myself through nutrition and exercise, the bonding experience of birth), I feel so much admiration for the woman who endured a whole pregnancy, gave birth and then selflessly gave me up. I can't even wrap my mind around how difficult it would be to go through all of that and then leave the hospital empty handed. It is such a brave, altruistic decision. She'd be 60 now. I'd love to tell her that I ended up with amazing parents and have a really happy home life of my own, in case she ever wondered if she did the right thing.