Tonight the first snowfall left it's pretty dusting across the yard. It was the perfect night to cozy up by the fire with a cup of tea. I've hit the 37 week mark of this pregnancy and I have to admit, I'm feeling a little trepidation. We had a tour of the maternity ward at the hospital last night and the home stretch is definitely feeling imminent now. The rooms are amazing - the hospital recently opened a new maternity ward where the suites are like fancy hotel rooms, complete with beds for mom, partner and baby, a flat screen tv, a big shower and bathtub, warming station for the baby, birthing yoga balls, mini re-fridgerator, a view of the ocean, the list goes on and on, but all I could stare at was the delivery bed. The delivery bed that is outfitted with bars to hang on to if you want gravity to aid in the birth. Can I do this? Millions upon millions of women have given birth. I am a pretty calm and relaxed person by nature, surely I can embrace the beauty of this miraculous moment. But creeping in the back of my mind is the thought that I will lose it during delivery, cling to the hospital bed bars, and advise my husband that I have decided to just keep the baby in my belly. And by advise, I mean scream at the top of my lungs. And by scream, I mean swear like a trucker. We can just enjoy parenting this baby through the womb and that will be just fine. I think it's just the self-doubt that creeps in when a dream is about to be realized. I've held this dream so close to my heart for all these years that the fact it's so close now, I am so eager to see it brought to fruition and want to succeed at it in the biggest way. I want this baby to know that they are loved. I want them to feel safe and cherished, to feel worthy, to embrace their talents, their purpose, their passions in life. I want to share in exploring the world together, to see the world through their eyes as they grow and learn. I want to create volumes of memories that bring joy to their heart. I want them to see me light up whenever they enter a room. I want to feel that first feeling of having them placed in my arms and finally meeting them after all this time. We're so close now, I cannot wait. But if only they could arrive by stork, like I was taught in the cartoons.
2 comments:
I can't help but read your blog posts since I found you, because I know what you're going through... and it's sooo beautiful and exciting! You are doing an amazing job of thinking positively and patiently and thankfully... and practically... You will do great in the birth room... What helped me for my second childbirth was making a "birth plan". I wrote out a list of things I wanted for me and the baby, and I made it look nice and sound gentle and I made 2 copies. When I arrived at the hospital I have it to the nurses, and they actually appreciated it. They helped me stick to it too when it came to me wanting pain meds at the end! but they helped me push through and not get any... Just keep your mind open to taking care of you and what happens happens. So what if you loose it. I kind of lost it for a minute at one point, but it passes so quickly and the reward is sooooooo amazing and you'll just laugh later. I am so excited for you! To become a mother and have your baby in your arms for the first time. It makes me get the chills and tear up how indescribable that moment will be. All I can say is that I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I'm cheering you on, even thought you don't know me! haha! Bless you and your baby... Much love!
Thank you so much Lauren! I can't tell you how much I appreciate your kind thoughts and words of well wishes!
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